Robb Stark SI
by ThoughtsOfDeath
Summary: I woke up as Robbert in Westeros. No, not the fat whoring King Robbert, the far less interesting one. At least I got to rule the North! All hail me, yall!
1. Chapter 1

I am Robb Stark.

One day I was not Robb Stark and then BOOM, I wake up inside the body of this naive little shit.

Now, being your typical self insert, I had entertained the thought of myself being in such a position previously.

Still AsoIaF was not exactly on my list of "shows I would want to end up in" but what can you do, eh? You gotta man up, eat the excrement presented to you with a smile on your face, thank for it and order some more.

What a beautiful metaphor for this whole situation.

I mean hey, at least I am not some no name peasant, that would have either gotten raped or killed within a year for no reason at all. Probably between some lords warring with each other. Even with my knowledge it would have been hard as fuck to raise myself in power and ensure my survival, let alone try to change the plot in some ways. Really not a fate I would wish onto many.

Or some small noble that would have to appease his Lord Paramount and as such would have to watch his back on the rise of power or be taken care off at some point or another for being too ambitious.

No, instead I am that fucking Lord Paramount biatch!

Yes, when I learned that I had woken up inside this body right after the day my "Father" had left with the fat whore-king, I did not know what to do.

Do I storm right behind them and fight my hardest like the good little self insert that I am, all for the sake of "correcting" the plot and saving all the poor souls? Do I warn my father? Maybe even tell the King all the truths so the fat bastard can kill the three children and the twins in his mad rage? Maybe immediately storm outside the wall to try and prove the walkers are a real thing and we ought to finally play together and believe in the power of friendship and beat the evil out there?

But eh, Fuck em!

Daddy dies for his stupidity and I get the whole North. A fair bargain to me.

But for all dem haters: Eddard never wanted the realm to go to war and had even confessed to the sins he did not commit just to avoid it.

So when his retard of a son went to war right after that and destroyed the realm with the whole King of the North shit, I can only imagine that he was the biggest disappointment in the whole history of Starks.

With that conclusion by me not doing shit, I am doing hell of a lot of good.

Good on me.

So here, I am doing everyone a favor by... not doing a fucking thing.

Well, that is not the whole truth, but once again, I am not exactly straining myself to save my father so eh?

Still gotta be careful and keep my dumb bitch of a mother here and not run off and start the war.

"Sooo..." I sat in my fathers (my) study with the Maester sitting before me. Like so many good little self inserts before me, my first idea was to MAKE THE NORTH GREAT AGAIN. We even have a fucking wall mate! .

So I had some half backed ideas back inside my head and wanted to explore them with the man. "What about plows?"

The old man sighed once again. "Yes Robb, they do exist." He then searched for a while and showed me the designs of some half decent for the middle ages plows.

"Fuck. Okay, but you will help me later in the design of some seed drills... And you are sure that steel has long since been invented and is very common?"

The man sighed annoyed but still explained it to me in an as little condescending voice as possible."Yes Robb, our northern steel is even among some of the best in all of Westeros. As you know we have some decent mines in the mountain ranges to the south west of the Northern region and they produce all the iron we need. Though as most Lords in the north view trade as a necessary evil, our export despite this is still very... low. The North mostly only uses it themselves."

Man, those people have no fucking clue of economics! Fucking degenerates have 0 export and only ever import other goods, such as food and whatever out of the other Kingdoms.

As in it is actually a wonder there is still any money at all in circulation in the North!

"Okay okay, but what about and get this, Cement! Liquid rock that you can shape into bricks to then build structures far easier than we do now, with building them with rocks." I wiggled my eyebrows. "Eh, eh? How about dat?"

He looked thoughtful at that. "Well, we have something similar that we use to hold the stones you spoke of together, but I do not believe there has ever been something you have described."

"Ha! Finally! Got you there old man! Okay write that shit down. We will need Lime, lots of fucking Lime and finely ground clay which we will then heat the shit of. Then we take that shit and add Gypsum to it, only very little, like 3/100. Then once that is done, we add sand and water and mix that and boom, you got Cement."

I briefly wondered if I should dispose of the man that raised me. I knew that the knowledge would soon end up in the Citadel, the maesters were sneaky like that. But then realized that it was not all that hard to find out how to make the cement as any idiot would be able to create it. So he gets to live for a little while more.

There is also the whole maesters conspiracy and how he fucked over the Starks by driving them to the war against the Targaryens to begin with, but whatever. Sins of the past and all that.

They were cunts anyway, the targaryesn that is.

Luwin just looks at me oddly. "Where in the seven hells have you found that out?"

I just shrugged, a smug little grin on my face. "I kind of did not want to brag, but I am kind of a big genius myself."

Now that I think about it, I should totally travel to both the Tyrells and Lanisters and sell the secrets for Cement for a fuckton of money to them before the war starts. I've got like one more year, right? Gonna milk that shit for all that it's worth before those fucks end up stealing it in the future anyway. Martells as well, if only because they have lots of both sand and lime.

"Okay, then next. Tell me what the north grows in our wast fields. Because with the metric literal fuckton of import we do from the Tyrells, I refuse to fucking believe that our farmers do ANYTHING even remotely right."

He rolls his eyes and lists me a very long list of different things.

By the end of it I just stare stupidly at him.

"So you are telling me..." I rub the bridge of my nose and refuse to believe what I am told. "That we do not grow Potatoes? That the wast swamp lands in our south do not grow any rice? You people retarded?"

Luwin sputters for a while and then goes into a long rant on the dangers of Potatoes from the far east of Essos and how they once tried but then they often turned venomous for some reason so they stopped. They also never really tried growing rice as well.

I just shook my head and explained to him why that was and all the ways of storing potatoes right so they do not turn fucking poisonous. Ordered him to get me them so we can start planting it and gave him a list of other vegetables out of the top of my head that would do well in the north like pea greens and salad burned.

Did potatoes not just grow naturally in lands such as these anyway? Man, I just need to find them and really get going!

"You know the best part about Potatoes Luwin?" I asked him smugly. "We are going to create a new kind of alcohol out of that shit and we are going to call it Vodka! Strong stuff and makes you warm inside, much better than the wine that is everywhere or the expensive shit from Essos. When I am done with it, the whole north will drink it ha ha!" I exclaimed in triumph. "We are going to make the whole north into alcoholics yet."

Oh man, pretending like I am the genius behind all of those inventions.. Fucking get shit on, my previous earth! Me genius now!

Then it suddenly hit me. "We are going to make the whole north into alcoholics?"

Luwin just shrugs. "The small folks life's are shit. They already are, if you really think about it. Only difference they are drinking wine the quality of horse piss. Might as well give them something better."

"Yes, exactly. What you said, we are doing them a favor." I thought about it some more things to "invent."

Really gotta reinvent glass. What was is again? I remember getting an A+ for that shit in chemistry.

Very fine sand without any impurities plus washing soda. Is there already washing soda invented here? Plus once again lime. Lead oxide if I want to really make it good. Maybe add other chemicals for color. Then heat that shit and do the other.. stuff...

I will think on it once I get there.

But man, with glass I ought to be really careful as there is only one city that produces any in Essos and they guard their secrets jealously and would destroy and competition.

I also do not want the cunts from the citadel to get the recipe.

"By the way, I want all my men to look for small children in the north who had their tongues cut out but who can write and read. Those are the spiders spies. Do not kill them or anything, I believe their skills could be useful to the north, I mean how many men can write and read as well as them? I bet even the Lords would be hard pressed. Find them and get them things to do, be it to work under Maesters or whatever, we may speak later on this more.

But also make sure people will be on the lookout for other spies, be it from Baelish, Boltons or even the fucking Queen. Look for brothels for Baelish's spies."

With that I ended my discussion with the Maester and sent him to order all the things we talked about.

There is going to be a revolution in the north baby!

But as for now?

I look down onto the Direwolf puppy of mine who lies on his back and presents me with his open belly with the cutest little look on his face. "Who is the cutest alpha predator of them all? Yes you are! Yes you are!"

Three weeks later

"Soo.." Luwin stands beside me as we watch the fields being prepared not far of Winterfell with our newly designed machines. "Why exactly are we leaving one of the four fields empty but prepare it anyway?"

"It's called crop rotation you uneducated plebeian. Gods dammit, get your shit together Luwin."

I pay him no further mind as we walk away and I watch the first few buildings out of cement still in the process. Ohh what I would not give for some good old fiber glass for the insulation but instead I have to do with... whatever the fuck they are using. Mud and hey?

Fucking normies.

Nothing new or groundbreaking, simple design with a typical triangular roof top so that snow will not be gathered on top and a chimney. Nothing new except the fact that it was built with unprecedented speed and low costs. Once the builders get some experience it will become even easier and with my plans they will get lots and lots of experience by the time I am done with them.

Not to mention that it provides for lots of new and for the small folk well paid jobs.

Soon I would send them south to Moat Calin to rebuild it. Why? Fuck me if I know.

But I read fanfictions where it was an important castle and shit. So it gets rebuild.

Add to that my plans for simple things such as saunas and bathhouses but also many plain houses for the small folk and there would be lots of work in the north.

We've got like 2 more years before winter? I remember all saying it is going to be the longest winter till yet, the long night and all that jazz. I also remember how there was a huge food shortage in all of the North.

Really gotta speed the food production up in this motherfucker. Cut the taxes and spend all of our money. Not like gold will be worth shit once a 10 or so year winter will come to these lands.

I also briefly thought on my "sisters." and the fates that await them.

Arya gets to be a little psycho assassin, how fucking cool is that?

Man, she comes with the hound to the north, I'll still fucking send her to the house of black and white, I don't give a fuck.

She wanted to be a little warrior? She gets that and then some!

We are now all for some women empowerment in the north and shit, totally.

And Sansa does not get to stay a useless little cunt and gets to learn politics from Cersei and Littlefinger.  
Good on her.

I mean she does get abused and such.. but eh, whatever. Did not like her anyway.

Then there is Jon Snow, who I do not think is really a secret Targaryen or whatever. There is plenty evidence in the books that a baby swap had taken place and that Jon is most likely than not the son of Brandon Stark and Ashara Dayne or something like that, while Daenerys is actually the daughter of Lyanna.

Why? Daenerys childhood is shrouded in mystery and when Robert Baratheon threatened to have her assassinated, Ned only ever thought of his promise to Lyanna and how he needed to keep Daenerys safe.

Does not sound like much, but it was much better explained in the theories videos I watched.

I just hate Jon Snow being a secret Targaryen because it is so fucking obvious.. The writer must have put those logic threads there on purpose, a red herring. I also fucking despise that reveal in the show where Jon turned out to be Azor Ahai, the King and the savior of the world who will ride a dragon and wield a flaming magical sword and kill all the whites (Phrasing, lol.) and get to pork his beautiful Targaryen Aunt and they will all get to have beautiful babies together and live happily ever after.

Oh no wait, bitch is barren.

Incest is still Wincest though, yo.

I had watched the lord of the rings, Star Wars and Harry Potter. I do not want to have the same shit story once more with that one special hero, favored by the fates chosen savior.

Fuck that.

So instead I really think Jon Snow has some other parentage. I also found it curious how Luwin wanted Jon gone for some reason and was responsible for convincing Ned that he wanted to go to the wall. Almost like there was a reason for why he wanted Jon to denounce his name and lands and such..

Anyhow!

I get to be the Lord Paramount thanks to that, so good on you, Luwin. I will give you some more years before I have you killed.

Fuck the chosen one or whatever bullshit and fuck Jon Snow. I mean he is cool for a downer, but I'd not want to hang out with him.

Bran was far more important.

The question is now though: Do I send my crippled little brother beyond the wall to meet that strange corpse dude? One that will feed him strange substances that will make him tripping balls?

Sounds legit.

Man, why don't I get me some of that paste from Bloodraven for... academic purposes.

But one thing I did find curious in the books. Bloodraven was really described as a corpse that was only held together by the Weirwood trees. Why that is important?

Because it leaves some ambiguity as to if Bloodraven is really even still there or the Children just wanted him for his unique and powerful greenseers genes. If they did not just possess his body in what Martin has described as the greatest abomination of all: The skinchanging of a man.

Bran did after all go through a Heroes Journey monomyth. He was a simple boy, had his fall and a got information of a rising evil that threatens the whole world. Had this old man who appeared as a kind mentor and a younger companion that teaches him lots of stuff. He traveled, went through many difficulties and finally reached the old man who promised to teach him all sorts of cool as fuck magic.

The thing is, we already had such kinds of stories in the A song of Ice and Fire and every single time they ended differently from what we expected. Differently from what we got used to getting.

Robb is this amazing heir of the north, honorable and leads a war to fight against the injustice his father suffered. He gets too meet his love and wins one battle after another.  
We all expected him to win that shit, right?

Except the North turned out to be filled with rapists and raiders that pillaged the lands of the reach and further, hated equally by the smallfolk just as with the Lannisters.

Except Rob is not this heroic war hero that will go down in Legends and is instead this entitled heir that believes he can start a whole war for his families drama, not paying attention to what history taught him.

Except he is young and inexperienced and the enemy uses that little thing dangling between his legs to fuck him completely over and make his story into a tragedy.

So excuse moi if I do not believe bloodraven is this kind white wizzard of Dumbledoor and has instead some far darker motives.

Is he really a puppet for the children? Or is he maybe only out to steal Brans body?

I do not know and the only clue we ever got is that G.R.R. Martin came out and said that Bran is one of the 5 characters that will survive the bitter sweet ending of the story.

But as we all know, just surviving does not have to mean all that much..

So question: Do I send Bran beyond the wall?

Jojen Reed was this bright young lad that got his mission to accompany Bran there, but as he arrived at his final destination, he got sickly and depressed. All until he disappeared and Bran got to eat a bloody paste that was said to make him stronger.

Could it be that Jojen was tricked and only used by Bloodraven? Could it be that Bran was no different? Only of more importance than the stepping stone that was Jojen?

But even if that, does humanity stand a chance against white walkers? Without such a power as a taught Bran that could travel time?

It could, after all turn out to be that Bran is going to be THE one to do something that will save the whole world.

As in the real chosen one or whatever.

I would think on this.

Right now the time line was still so that the assassin did not attack the sleeping Bran with a dagger of Valyrian steel.

The piece of shit also burned down our library for a distraction, one of the largest in the whole world with books that would forever be lost thanks to that.

Degenerate...

He was sent by Joffrey, by the way. In case you were wondering on that mystery.

All because Joffrey is a cruel little shit that earns for the approval of his whore king of a father and heard him say that death would be more merciful to the boy.

I remembered him sleeping in the barns, hidden away from everybody and had armed men find and imprison the assassin.

He was swiftly killed after I had all the needed info tortured out of him.

And now I was the proud owner of a Valyrian steel dagger! Yuhu!

This of course had as a result that Catelyn Stark did not up and march behind her husband to reach Kingslanding. She would not imprison Tyrion and would not cause relationships between Staks and Lannisters to spike.

My father would not fight Jaime and get wounded heavily, he would not as a response create the brotherhood without banners to send them after the mountain.

Which by the way was a total cop out. The people that reported the Mountain raiding their lands were full of shit. They reported that the mountain only raped and killed them for no reason at all, did not even take their money.

But as we meet them later through the eyes of an imprisoned Arya, all they do is torture and kill people all for the sake of them telling where their hidden riches are.

The mountain may be a cruel cunt, but he cares a great deal for money. So this whole situation was created by Littlefinger just for more tension between them.

Would my father still get to die? Fuck yeah he would.

Robert would still get killed by his dumb fat ass, a boar gutting him. The boar will totally be a skinchanged Bloodraven.  
Eddard Stark would still find the same clues as did Lord Arrys. He would still confront the queen and in that totally get killed as he is an honorable idiot.

He trusts Bealish, what a fucking degenerate! I am ashamed to have the same genes as him!

Why does he trust him? Because Catelyn would sometimes talk about him as a good friend.

So he decides that man is trustworthy. But what does he know else about Littlefinger?

Littlefingers love for Catelyn, his obsession. His reasons to hate Eddards older brother, who nearly killed him. How he has no honor as he deals with whores. Finally how he could hate Eddard for getting to marry the woman he lusted after.

He even finds out how Littlefinger claimed to have stolen the virginity of both Tully sisters.

Why he decided that man was trustworthy, is just beyond me.

Fuck, Varys wants to install a Blackfyre onto the Iron throne and he is a thousands times more trustworthy than Baelish!

But whatever: Lord of the North. The south can go fuck itself. Not going there, they can all kill each other for all I care.

I have ties to the Tullies and the Riverrun, lands which boarder ours just bellow the Twins and the Freys. So maybe if it came to war, my mother would demand me helping.

But I would only limit that to a defensive war. One where I would prioritize us waiting for the Winter and getting as much crops from the lands as I possibly could. Nothing else mattered.

And as for now? I had maybe 2 years tops and I wanted to use every single second of it.

"My lord!" I was brought out from my thoughts by a maid. She came in rushing into my open room and I just raised an eyebrow for her to get on with it. "Lord Tyrion Lannister had arrived at Winterfell."

My mouth opens up and splits in a massive grin. If it is not the everyone's favorite little imp of the series!

"Good... sent him here, to me. I want to have a little chat with him."

Now that I think on it, I should invite more of the awesome people to the north. Like Qubyrn and... Bron?  
Though he is a man of Varys, so I don't want him anywhere near me.

Mance Reyder? Yeah, I like that guy. Even if he is a scheming player of the game that cares for his people most and foremost. We could still come to an understanding. In fact, I had some plans that depended on it and would use the free folk in ways nobody would ever thing of.

Anyone else? Nah..

Well, I will be sure to invite Qubyrn, that guy is cool.

"Lord Rob?" I was brought out of my thoughts by the arrival of the little, waddling forwards Tyrion.  
And I really had to say that Peter Dinlkage is like a dwarf Bred Pitt compared to the ugly little fucker before me.

But whatever, I could easily hide that thought as I cared not for Tyrions looks, but his brains.

"Tyrion, sit, please." I offered him a seat before my table. "We have much to discuss."

"Do we?" He asked with the sort of infuriating little smirk that his sort of people got down to an art form.

"Yes.. I will be blunt with you Tyrion. Why? Because I respect you, if not as a person, then for your intelligence. I know that your brother Jaime fucks your sister Cersei." I told him, very bluntly and right to his face.

He actually jerked back as if slapped. I think nobody ever put it That bluntly, not even him himself. Maybe he had his suspicious, but always thought it batter to close his eyes and ears and yell "LALALALALA!" As loud as he could, all for the sake to not see the obvious.

"What makes you think that?" He asked as delicately as possible.

".. Not only that." I continued, ignoring him as he ignored my plea for honesty. "But he also managed to cuck the king and is the actual father of all three royal, very blond and very lannister children."

Now Tyrion was sweating heavily. "W-what? That is ridiculous.."

"Aha and your father actually loves and cherishes you... but now that we are talking about your father, did you know that this girl you once married? Tysha?

That she was no actual whore and that Jaime and your father lied to you? That she actually loved you and was threatened to do... what she did at the end? That the girl you once loved was in fact just a terrified daughter of a farmer, brutally gangraped by some 10 men plus you yourself?"

Now Tyrion just stills. His greatest trauma and greatest shame thrown right before him, his greatest nightmare turned true.

He just stares at me in horror "What?"

"Yes, see, your father was enraged by your action. He remembered that one time his own father fell for some woman who was only after his money and Tywin immediately concluded this must be the case once more.

He threatened her, her family and if fact, you yourself and forced her to suffer the humiliation of that day silently.

Forced your brother to lie to you and lied himself."

Once more, Tyrions brain just shuts down and he begins to quiver in his seat. Some tears escaping his eyes.  
"Wh... How, why, what?"

"Yes and now your own sister fucked up in her own pathetic life by doing the one and only thing that was required of her: She did not provide an actual heir to the throne. How absolutely pathetic, what a sad little existence she turned out to be.

Joffrey? That insane little shit? He will drive the whole realm into chaos and war.  
Jon Arryn? He found out and had to die for it. My father? Well, he is not exactly blind or stupid. So time will come where he will find out the truth and confront the queen with it. Can you guess what will come out of that?"

Tyrion did not care for that though and hit my table with all the rage inside of his little body. "HOW! How could you possibly know this!?"

I calmly sipped on some wine. "Tysha or the future?"

"Tysha!"

"Ahh, easy. But truth be told, you would not believe me even if I told you, so I won't. You could ride for Kingslanding and ask your brother. Could demand an answer of your father, he is vicious enough to just straight up tell you the truth.  
But you are a smart guy, Tyrion. Question is: Do you even care at this point?"

"What?"

"Do you even care to be a Lannister any longer? Let's be brutally honest here: You will never inherit your fathers lordships. He would rather burn it all down... But beyond that, the Lannister name has only ever brought you pain. Do you even care for it any longer?"

"I-I.. I don't know..."

"Your sister is a vicious little cunt, you had just found out that your brother and father did something unforgivable to you and that the Lannister family will go down hard. All thanks to Cerseis own paramount stupidity.  
Should you even stay in that cursed family any longer?  
Join the North Tyrion, we got milk and cookies."

He actually barked a quivering laugh at that. "H-how the fuck do I even know you speak the truth?"

"Ask you heart, Tyrion. You know it to be the truth..." You can never go wrong with a Star Wars quote.

"..Fuck..." He said, still numb. "And the Lannisters will fall?" He asked after a good few minutes of silence.

"Stannis knows, he will lead an army against them. The Tyrells are a bunch of overtly ambitious cunts, so they could either join Stannis or the Lannisters. The rest of the realm despise them, with the Martells having their own plans for the future. Ones that will result in the certain downfall of the Lannisters.

Now is just the right time to jump the ship."

"What about your father though?" He finally asked, far more calmly now. "Will he not die, if you are to be believed?"

"Hmm, sure. He made his bed, now he gets to lie in it."

"And the north? Do you go to war?"

I laugh. "Fuck naw! We declare our fucking independence and those southern degenerates can get fucked trying to invade us, Ha!"

He too chuckled, though it was a tint incredulous. "For real? What would you even need me for?"

I grinned at him, a sharp grin. "Well, first I'ma need you to write your cunt of a father and denounce your family name. No worry, if things are good, I will give you your own lands and all that shit. Then I will show you a few things my mind came up with and you, my dear Tyrion will use that beautiful brain of yours to help me. To get to help me implement and turn those ideas into reality!"

Two months later

Turned out two years were far too little to really change anything major.

Seed drills and tools to work the brittle and cold ground of the north were forged by the hundreds every week. I had all the smiths and young people in the north work overtime in all castles to create as many of them as possible.

Then cut the taxes and promised any man or woman anywhere that as long as they could just work the lands, any land in the north not used by the lords, then they would be able to just keep those lands for as long as the Starks ruled the north.

The North was fucking huge. Half as large as the rest of Westeros. So even with all that, only maybe 10% of the land was used right now.

I had my men travel south and explain to the people my plans, how I would welcome any of them up here as long as they were willing to work for their food.

One year would be more than enough for a family to travel here, build a home and a farm and work their lands to plant whatever.

So while I could not revolutionize the north, I sure as hell could make sure the North had lots of food by the time winter came about.

"What about Vodka? Whiskey?" I asked Luwin in my study. Well, Neds, but he might as well be dead, so I took it for my own.

"Just like we predicted, it is doing absolutely great. People, lords and farmers alike love and drink it pretty much every day. Especially after a hard days of work.

Keeps them warm, hits hard and fast and makes the worlds hardships go away. Most are already alcoholics.."

"How much coin do we make from that?"

He gave me his lists and raised an eyebrow. "Enough to forget the rise of Wife and child beaters among the drunken low borne?"

I just stared at the number. The big, beautiful number on the paper I taught them how to make.

"Hell yeah it does! Woho! We are rich baby. Finally time to start with the export baby! Dry them other Lords dry of their gold and keep it circulating in the North. That's the way we do it baby!

What I would not do to get enough time to create an actual Bank... "

Economy might as well be a foreign word in this world. I would be the fucking Emperor of all moneys, if I was given the chance.

"What about the sumps south on the neck?"

"Indeed, just like you said it would... The rice from Yi Ti is growin fabulously there and the Crogmen sent letters, claiming they would never need to buy food from anywhere else. They in fact asked us to buy some rice of them."

"Hmm, good on them.. Do the fucking Freys give them any trouble?"

"They do indeed.. As you know the hatred between the houses of Reed and Frey dates back hundreds of years and this is no exception. They have proven to be quite a hindrance."

"Hmm, kay. This is what we are going to do: We write that fucking shmuck Walder Fray that I will march my fucking armies to his twins and burn that piece of shit he calls a castle to the ground. All unless he stops. The Kingdoms despise his house and not even his own liege Lord would care one single fuck for him and the hundreds of his spawn."

"..." Luwin just blinked. "... are we really going to do that?"

"Fuck yeah we are! Remember the canons I showed you? We gonna test them on his ass if he dares to step out of his piece of shit castle. In fact, I fucking hope he will.

Just like those Iron Borne cunts.

Or the Boltons.

Or those Karstarks.  
...fuck me in the ass and call me all sorts of beautiful names, I am surrounded by enemies on all side, Luwin! Fucking get to work, we have a country to rule!"

"Ok.." He turned around and went to write the letter.

"Fucking Luwin, I swear.." I then barked out to Tyrion, who was staying in a few rooms beside me. "Tyrion! You better be fucking done with the black powder by now!"

One Month later

"Lord Rob." One of my men greeted me. He just came from a long journey that I had sent him months ago to Kingslanding.

Why? To warn my father? Naw.

More like to imply that he was in danger and it may be a smart thing to do some smart things. Like to get Arya and the families Valyrian sword out of there.

I was mostly kidding with me sending her to become a little psycho assassin.

To get Sansa out of the capital would be hard, especially as the little twat would fight the attempt itself and go running to the queen. She was also to marry the prince, which would cause all sorts of questions.

But Arya? She hated the place and could easily come back.

"The mission was a success." The man presented me with an overtly large sword, far too large to really be used for real battles.

Still, dat Valyrian steel though!

Looked like my father agreed with my idea. The tension in the capital must have been plenty high by that point.

Maybe I could have sent more men to leave them there to aid my father when the time came, but nope. He will die.

"Robb!" A little girl jumped out of carriage and jumped me in the arms.

Oh, right. Arya was here as well.

I just hugged her halfheartedly. "What's up?"

She looked at me and my easy smile. "You changed."

I shrugged. "You as well.. Now come inside and tell me how much of a shit hole Kingslanding is."  
She grinned and started her stories of how she got to chase after cats and pigeons.

6 weeks Later.

Year 298, the twelfth month, seventh day.

December sevenths, in non retard.

The letter from Kingslanding arrives. Written in Sansas handwriting but only telling of Cersei's poisonous words.

My mother cries, I am all out of fucks to give and pretend to care. What a hard job that was.

Write letters to all of the Northern Lords, calling them to come to me.

I read that letter once more, as I did often in the last days. "She does not even mention you in that letter once.." I tell Tyrion. "It's almost like she does not care for you! Say whaaat?"

He rolls his eyes at me. "Cunt.."

"That is Lord Cunt to you." I then add in jest. "What did your father reply again to you denouncing his name and calling it a piece of shit?"

We both barked a laugh at the memory of that. "He did not answer at all." But then laughed even harder and needed to get the rest out through his wheezes.

"So I wrote another few letters, to the 6 other Lords regents of the seven Kingdoms and informed them how the mines of Casterly Rock have dried up by now and asked them politely to ask my Lord Father for a reply to my last letter!"

I broke down laughing. "Rumor is, Oberyn Martell himself rushed to travel to the Castely rock and asked Tywin personally! Never before has Tywin Lannister been as mad as in that single moment!"

"Priceless." Tyrion agreed to me.

"Is there still a bounty on that oversized head of yours?"

"Lands, tittles and riches." He nodded.

Luwin comes in through the door and calls for us. "The Lords are gathered and ready, my Lord."

I nod and the both of us stand up to go and meet all the northern lords. One that came in here, hearing about my father being imprisoned and probably expecting war.

And man, were my halls filled. There were like 60+ noble houses in the north, so many people showed up when I wrote to them.

Who was I? The genius of the north, whose inventions and advancement brought much happiness to the north.

Never before has there been such an abundance of food in the north, with more and more farms being opened daily. The lands were massive enough for that to not really matter as only about 14% of them were covered and had people living in them.

"What is he doing here?"

The lords all stood up in respect and quieted down as I walked inside, but then saw the infamous Tyrion and exclaimed in shock.

"Peace, peace my lords! As some of you might have heard by now, Tyrion has renounced his names and named his father a Cunt Paramount!" I pointed back to him. "He is cool now!"

Tyrion on the other hand, coughs, looks over to me and sees me nod. He lifts his right fist and bumps it a few times against his chest and put it to into the air. "North Power, yall!"

I just spread my arms and pointed to him. "See?"

A few laughed awkwardly. "Well, I found it funny, fuck yall." I grumble to some more laughter.

But I walked over and sat in the place of the Lord of Winterfell. "Okay, so we all know why we came here. My father got his ass captured by the prince and now you all probably expect me to go to war to free him, yes?"

"Yes!" The 60 plus men all hit their tables and exclaim loudly and eagerly. Far too eagerly for my tastes, but what can you do?

"Okay, I got some other plans, but let us just start in with filling you all into the stuff that is relevant to the situation, yes? Good, first thing first: The queen had her husband cucked as she hated him and his whoring. The children of hers are full Lannisters and have no claim to the throne. Eddard Stark found that out and confronted the queen with it. She then had her husband poisoned and killed, took the power and imprisoned my father with claims of treason."

The Lords all start to talk, shout and rage at that. Most of them spitting on the ground and crying out for Lannsiter blood.

I continued. "I saw some conflict coming and had our families sword and my little sister Arya." here I pointed to the little shit, who just grinned and waved happily to the lords. "Brought back to Wintefell. I wanted my father to go back himself, but he is a man of honor and told me he needed to do his duty."

Here I made a pause and the other lords followed suit. As a sign of respect, ya know?

"But the queen and Paetyr Baelish betrayed him and us and imprisoned my father. Now he stands to be executed at worst and be sent to the wall at best. You all expect me to go to war for that, right?"

They all shouted a loud yes.

"But my Lord father cautioned me against it. As one who lived through the last great war, he would rather go before the seven Kingdoms and admit to something he never did, all for the sake of his stupid little daughter, who is now imprisoned in Kings landing and to save our people of he horrors of war.

And you know what? I wholly agree with him!"

Now the lords got angry, started to demand of me I show them I had balls and other macho shit. Booring.

"Shut The Fuck Up! Did I say we leave those cunts? That we do nothing as response? Fucking no! We will respond to that and how we will respond to it!  
North is a mighty region, the mightiest of them all, are we not?" I asked them and got an expected cry of yes. "Did we not single handily brought the last King to power over the Targaryen cunts?" Anotehr yes. "And yet! It would be pure stupidity to go with our 40 thousands men against the rest of the Kingdoms. No, if history has taught me anything then it is that every time the North goes south, it is our good peopl thate get fucked over. But the opposite is the case as well! We are the fucking North baby! No fucking Lannister will ever get to conuqer us! So my brothers, how would you like to declare independence of the southern cunts and leave them to their scheming, backstabbing ways!"

Now I got them. The even started to chant the cheesy King of the North.

"Yes, we will not go south but wait for those degenerates to come North and see them getting fucked over by us!"

They chanted more and louder.

"In fact, I'd rather have the free folk beyond the wall as my neighbor than those backstabbing bastards!" Another round of yeah!

"So let me tell you of a little plan I have cooked up. One that will get the north lots of new farmers and get the south fucked over real hard!"


	2. Chapter 2

Interlude: Why Eddard did not just get the fuck out of Kingslanding.

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Tension between the Starks and Lannisters were as high as ever. His sons little stunt with having Tyrion renounce his name and loudly announce that their families main source of incredible wealth, power and influence has finally dried up did not endear him to the queen.

Her shrieking and demands for blood and war still made his ears ring. What an... unlikable woman, to put it delicately. He now understood why his dear friend changes so much..

Even Jaime Lannister gave him a stink eye. Up until he received a letter from his little brother. Ever since then Jaime Lannister has gotten more bitter and more withdrawn, even displaying some self loathing for his relationship to his sister soured after that.

It has been barely a day since their news of Daenerys Targaryen and her pregnancy thanks to the spy Jorah Mormont. Ned would not stand for it and had resigned as the hand of the King and broken off his friendship with his once time dear friend, King Robbert.

Though as he wanted to leave, Baelish led him somewhere where he would get another lead into what Jon Arryn did before his death. He met some more bastard children of the king, but in the end just exited a brothel and prepared to leave for the as he was on his way, Baelish did drop a few more hints as to what actually happened. It did not paint a great picture.

As he ordered his people to prepare them going back, some men his son sent come to him. They told him of the assassin his son found, of all the reforms he has done to the north and Ned was dumbfounded.

Not only was this the first time he has heard of it as Robb wanted it all to be kept in their kingdom only, but it was the first time he heard of this side of his sons.

His son! A genius!

It was perhaps the single most happiest moment of his life when he heard of the great work his son did. The future of the North was in great hands and that was all that mattered to him.

Now if only he found him a good wife..

The man also told of his sons suspicions and how the Capital might turn dangerous. How his son wanted to at least have his youngest sister and his families sword returned as he reminded Edd how each journey ended when a Stark to the south ended.

Ned agreed to it and became very thoughtful.

He spend some days thinking on it. Spoke to his daughters and listened to their opinions. Sansa, the romantic girl that she is was loving it here while Arya might as well not come here at all. If not for Syrio Forell, then she would have come to despise this place long ago.

And while he thought, he found out he could not really go through with his decision. To resign as the hand, okay. But to just blow of a royal marriage and flee north? No, it would not just be as easy as that.

It was a few days later that his friend and King Robbert came to him. Apologizing and forcing them both to just sit down, drink and speak like in their good old times.

Ned would come to wake up a day alter with the greatest hangover of his life and the pin of the Hand of the King on his clothes once more.

Though as he thought back on the days past, he wondered why he was so eager to get out of here?

Really, why was he so quick to leave his good friend behind?

He did not know the answer. Though as he thought more on it, he did remember the strange dreams he had last night, ones that really put things into perspective. It was like he just woke up today and had his mind cleared from all his doubts and fears! He was doing great.

In the end he decided he would stay here. Yes, his once time best friend did change quite a lot over the years, but yesterday was the day he got to meet him once more. So he was hopeful for the future and how he might come to maybe even enjoy his time over here.

So he took Arya, took his sword and agreed to send it over to his son and heir. Not because he feared anything here any more, but because Arya hated it here and he doubted he would find a husband for a spitfire like her.

Not when he looked at her and saw Lyannas shadow behind her.

Finally he sent his sword up north north not because he feared his house would come to lose it, but as a sign. A sign that he was proud of his son and was more than happy to leave the future of the north in his hands!

As for him? He would stay here, he would help rule this Kingdom and would continue to look for the clues of Jon Arryns death.

Maybe Cat's sister, Lysa was right and the Lannisters were behind it? He would find out.

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Chapter 2

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Bringing the free folk from the lands beyond the wall? Sounds good in theory and is a nightmare in reality.

Let's just skip the political bullshit and pretend that issue has no similarities at all to the real worlds problems. As in some millions of foreign refugees.

You look at the issue as; We:people Enemy:The White Walkers. Conclusion: We fight together. The issue gets real simple and you get to either let them all die beyond the wall and fill the already endless ranks of undead reanimated corpses, led by the necromantic magic of the Others. Or just simply help your fellow men and women. So all you have to really do is to get them beyond the wall and all will get good in the world.

Of fucking course it would! How could I never have thought of that? GENIUS!

But no, shit ain't as easy as that.

It all comes down to the culture of the free folk.

As in: They follow no rules. They follow no King they themselves, personally do not approve of. Their whole culture is based around ganging together to protect all their possessions and looking down on the weak, whose possessions they can simply take for their own.

Romance to them is really, to put it brutally honest: Rape.

"You just have to steal a bitch! What? She fights back, cries and screams? Ohh, she is just playing hard to get! It is how you know you got yourself a real spitfire! And once you get her pregnant, she will only get the option of either leaving you and dying alone, or relying on you protecting her at her weakest anyway! LoL."

They are nomads and warriors. You get them in here, you do not just get the children, stay at home mothers and these willing to take compromises for their survival. You also get the cannibals, the ones that would more likely than not go to a northern farmer, steal his shit and rape his wifes and daughters, to not even care for the farmers lands. Lastly, not many knew or would even really use my lands for farming. I am not sure, but I do not think this was the way they did things.

So if I wanted to let the wildlings get through the wall, it went far beyond just "Me gaining the animosity of the northern people they had raided and killed for how many years and me getting the men in black mad at me." This was something that would change the whole north, for far more worse than better.

But alas, I was not known as the genius of Winterfell for nothing!

Tooting my own horn here, but the people really called me that. Even got me flushing, those bastards..

Anyhow, I had a plan. One that would allow all the free folk I would like to go through and use the warring ones for my advantage as well. For that I had sent out an expedition, one that will be led by experienced crows to get me a meeting with Mance Rayder and his most trusted. If I have that, then we can really begin with the actual plan.

.

.

.

"Pshh, Tyrion." I nudged the little man that sat before a table with many chemical components. "pshh, Tyrion!" I loudly whispered. Then nudged him some more in his very delicate studies and tickled him. "Ey, mate, buddy, Tyrion!"

"What!" He finally barks out and turns around to me.

"Dude, what crawled up in your tight little virgin asshole and died? Fucking chill.." I gave him an odd look. "It is, isn't it? Virgin I mean?" Really, one could never know after all..

"The virginity of my..." He visibly needed to calm himself. "You know what? I am not doing.. this whatever it is! Just fuck off and leave me alone. Don't you have some paperwork to do? Your little brother to annoy?"

"B-but!" I gave him the puppy eyes. Bitches can't resist the puppy eyes. "Come on, it is a legitimate question between bro's! And you do not want to break the bro code, do you Tyrion?"

"No!"

"B-but, come on!"

"We are not discussing the virginity of my asshole!" He finally cries out, letting maybe half the castle hear him.

"..Did I come at the wrong time?" A person calls out from behind the doors. Really, the timing could not have been any better!

I just grin massively and reach out to get the person inside. "Tyrion, my friend, my little buddy, my brother from another mother! I present to you Qubyrn! Our new and third friend up in here!" I hug Qubyrn and massage his shoulders from behind. "Just you wait, with our brains and skills, we'll get a real Triumvirate up in here!"

Tyrion just slaps his face. "Gods no.." 

"Pah, learn to take a joke, you pussy." I slapped him upside the head, but then changed the topic. "By the way, how does it feel to be the first Westerossi in history to have created real glass, all from the grounds up?"

"Ohh!" Qubyrn exclaims. "Did you really? Wow, amazing.." He rushes over to examine Tyrions workshop and the glass lying on the table. "You have no idea how pricey it was to always get even the littlest bit of glass for my works in the Citadel! And with the maesters being so stingy.. Just saying."

"It is.. certainly a way to get a mans ego up." He admits smugly. "Though the recipe you provided was nowhere even close to really describing how to execute it. I've spent months on this piece over here, but now we may finally start some real production in here... I now understand what Luwin had to go through when you ordered him to create your cement, but only gave him an halfassed, half wrong receipt."

"Bah! Luwin is just jelly of me and my smarts! I mean, not to sound arrogant.."

"He says before sounding arrogant.." Tyrion chimes in with the big mouth of his.

"...but! I would totally like get all those chains in the citadel! Easy peasy!"

"Called it!"

Qubyrn just scoffs all from his position. "Please, those people are overrated... If Oberyn Martell can forge 6 chains out of boredome, then someone who discovered how to create glass will take that easily. Not to mention all those fascinating theories you had written to me about... To think those 'cells' and 'bacteria' exist! Fascinating..."

"Love you too Qubyrn. You are now my favorite friend of the two that I have!" I congratulated him. "By the way.. I had just gotten a letter from house Reed. Do you know what it says?"

He arches an eyebrow.

"It says that the Freys are still raiding their lands and making their lives as needlessly hard as possible." I get one massively scary grin on my face. "Do you know what that means, Tyrion?"

He too gains a grin that could as well just be a mirror image of mine. "Gods Yes!"

We stand there and cackle madly like a pair or retards for a few minutes. Good times..

".. am I missing something?" Qubyrn wonders silently, all from his little lonely corner in the room.

.

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Three weeks later

.

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"I ask you, once more! In the name of Lord Walder Frey, what in the seven hells are you doing here!?"

"Just a few more moments..." I shout back to the man who cries out from his tower in the twins.

Now 3 weeks later and after we had explained our plans to good ol Qubyrn, who too got real eager to see it all in action, we packed out shit and rode here.

It was mostly some 50 men, 2 carriages that carried the tools and the three of us.

"Okay, yes, just like that." I hear Tyrion explain to the men with the muscles. He and Qubyrn next to him, who is really geeking out right now to see the weapons in action. "Yes, now point it.." Tyrion stops and does some mental maths and continues. "Just something like that above the actual tower, okay?"

"WHAT ARE YOU BUNCH OF RETARDS FUCKING DOING IN OUR FUCKING LANDS!?"

Black Walder looks like he is about to tear his own hairs out in frustration. We were, after all already something like 2 hours standing before their castles and minding our own business, ignoring the Freys.

But fuck them!

"Dude!" I call out annoyed. "Chill down, will you? Won't even take all that long any more.. Fucks sake, some people, am I rite?"

Tyrion nods, hiding his amusement in all but his expressive eyes. "Yes, it's almost like they were not happy to receive the Lord of the North himself here!"

"Say whaaat? They did not!"

"Uhu, they did!" Tyrion snaps his fingers, doing a perfect impression of a sassy black woman completely unintentionally.

"I WILL MURDER AND RAPE YOUR CHILDREN!" Black Walder butts in.

"Dude, rude much."

"Yeah, we don't even have children! Retard!"

"But wait, is he going to first murder our nonexistent children and then rape them or the other way around?" 

"Yeah, like, is he just a pedo or a necrophiliac as well? Like, totally gross dude. I don't know what you Freys get up to in there, but please keep it to yourselves... "

"AGRHHH!" He spews some more profanities and storms away.

We share a laugh and turn back to our men putting up the canons pointed at the Twin tower on our side of the river. Good times.

Relaxed, we command the man. "Yes, now you put in that black powder... yes in there. Now get those huge metal balls over here!" 

I giggle. "You said balls!"

Tyrion palms his own head. "Lord of the North ladies and gentlemen!"

Qubyrn just giggles a little next to me. "Balls, I got that one."

"... and our resident Necromancer of the North.."

Qubyrn just huffs at that. "I got enough of that kind of passive aggressive shit from the Citadel, thank you very much."

"Now the fuse in here... Now remember people, as soon as we light that little shit on? Fucking cover your ears. The retards that forget that very important little fact will get some free ear bleeding's as soon as it goes of."

We wait for some more minutes for the little adjustments and for everything to be just perfect. The two canons we got over here are ready, filled with gun powder and two massive bullets.

We stood a few hundred meters away from the actual castle, had enough broad shields to cover any shitty little pathetic shower of arrows the Freys could answer us with and were ready to kick some as and take some names.  
Now..

"Now what?" Qubyrn asks out loud after some more time.

"Now we invite the guest of honor!" I turn to the Twins. "Ey! Guys! We are finally done! Get that weasel shit Walder Frey over here!"

"He is coming my lord." A more friendly son of Walder calls out from within the tower. He was not even mad for me calling Walder that way, Ha! Shows you how popular he is. "But he is old and getting all the way up here?.." He tails off.

Tyrion smirks and shouts. "Tell him the Lord Paramount of the North comes to ask for one of his daughters to marry!"

"You called?" Not even 20 seconds later a smiling old shriveled weasel looks down at us.

"Fucking called it." Tyrion calls out to me in victory. I grumble and give him a few gold dragons.

"Lord Walder Frey!" I finally begun. "Today you stand accused of having dared to attack a very loyal and dear house of mine. The Reeds! How do you plead?"

"Wha? What the fuck boy? Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Lord of the North, biatch!"

"Bah, a bunch of traitors, that is who you are! You just wait, I will capture your pale asses and send you to the King he he, he will surely reward me greatly."

"But more importantly!" I called out regardless. "You stand to trial today for the greatest of all sins against the gods! You, Walder Frey, are a Cunt! And in the famous words of a completely unknown sell sword out of the Blackwaters: There is no cure for being a Cunt!"

Tyrion crosses the seven stars next to me and raises his hands high. "Amen to that my brothers!" 

My people to call out: "Amen!"

"But that makes absolutely not sense!" Walder calls out from above, confused. "How the fuck can you even do that? I am a loyal vassal to the Tullys! He would not allow for that!"

"Yeah, I send them a letter once, nice people. Lord Tully told me he hates your guts."

"Bah he is just a jealous old son of a whore!" Walder scoffs, disregarding his previous words all on his own.

"He also told me he would not care one single fuck for you. As long as I do it quick and clean, he throws a feast in my honors? How about dat?"

"One of my people is married to the Lannisters, boy! Do you really want to have their wrath?"

"Eh, is she even still there? I heard she despised your guts, just like every single person who ever saw you, now that I think about it... Tell me, Walder, do you think even one of your children can really stand you?"

He is about to retort something quick and witty, but instead turns back to some people standing behind him. "Well?" he demands of them.

They all just stood awkwardly there.

One little boy finally calls out in a high tone. "I love my daddy!"

Walder turns around smugly. "See, Timmy loves me!"

"Fuck you Timmy, you fucking suck!" "Yeah, that's the kind of shit that is the reason why nobody loves you any more!" Me and Tyrion call out, booing the little kid.

".. he was dropped as a baby." One Frey admits quietly, Walder glaring murder at him.

"Okay, whatever!" I call out to them." I will give you 20 minutes to have all the women and children relocate to the other castle before I start to bring the wrath of the old gods on your wrinkly old ass, Walder!"

"Bah! You and what army? The little imp and the 50 men by your side? HA!"

But I did not reply any more. We had our fun and I enjoyed pissing of the people that would have killed me and my unborn child in a different universe.

But now? Now it was only a countdown any more before we would go to erase the house of the Freys.

See, the Freys are not as evil as the show made them out to be.

They are just a house that made all of their money and riches by fucking over the North.

They took the most commonly used road for the north, created a great shortcut to get across a river and from the North directly to Riverrun and the Westerlands.  
Before that only the much longer Kingsroad existed. One that meant anyone would have to travel through the Vale and around the Trident and the three fork rivers.

So the Freys created their shitty little bridge, build two shitty little castles on each end and demanded anyone who wanted to cross them pay a tool.

That not only meant they could squeeze a lot of money very quickly out of many people, they also cut of lots of trade from the Riverrun and the north and made it generally unwise and not worth it for merchants to travel to us.

And as travel by boat from the west meant one would without a doubt meet the Irone Borne, that mean trade became nonexistent from there.

They made money through such despicable means and gained some favorable marriages as well.

Then Walder Frey came around and he was universally hated as perhaps the most unlikable person anyone would ever get to meet.

Because of the last war he is often called Walder the Late, as he only joined the war after it was certain which side would win.

But you know what? I was not even mad.

As the Lord of his house, he was only ever treated with disdain, any other house always speaking of marrying into their family as some sort of insult. So when he Lord Paramount came to him and demanded arrogantly and with disdain for him to join their cause, I would not fault him for not rushing into it..

Finally he really had ties to the Lannisters, who stood on the other side during the war. The sister of Tywin having married someone from his family.

Was he to follow his oaths to the King? To his far less important liege Lord? He would not get anything on either side and only get cursed for coming too late.

And yet I was about to end his house. Why?

Because of the future I knew of? Naw, I could understand why he did it. To have suffered the disdain of many only to get a chance to have his blood in one of the great houses? And then to have that all crushed by an arrogant little shit and still be expected to follow with his side of the deal?

The Lannisters made a far better offer and they were know to hold their deals...

So Walder used the honor the traditions to get the Starks all good and defenseless and slaughtered them to the last. Created the Red wedding and got himself appointed as the Lord of Riverrun.

A good deal if you asked me.

No, I was in fact getting rid of House Frey because they were that which stood in the way of truly uniting the Riverrun and the North. To get good trade going between us and because that Wiesel Walder Fray would always stay in any plans I might ever have with the south.

I would fucking bomb their castle, get all their men and warriors crushed under the weight of their own walls and have the women divided under my lords, the twins forever becoming just a ruin and possible defense for the North.

"Are we sure this will work?" Tyrion asks me and brings me out of my thoughts.

I had already explained the sciences behind the canons. Explosive force, all forced into one direction only that will propel a ball of iron with the weight of around 15 Kg with such speeds, that it will break stone, armor and bones like nothing.

Such an easy concept and yet, so much effect.

"Yes.. The castles were not built by some genius architect and mathematical genius. Take out the few foundations and columns that hold that whole castle together and it will all crumble under its own weight.  
Without any steel reinforced walls or anything other? Just the stones the castle was built with? It will all fold just like a house of cards..

Why do you think Harrenhall fell with such pathetic ease?"

"Time is up." Qubyrn brings his attention to a hour glass we had put up next to us. Cool "invention" of my. t`The Maester and Qubyrn were totally geeking out over it.

"... very well." I walked away and stood behind the canons, with my men readying the torches. "ON MY COMMAND!"

"What 're ya gonna do boy?" One of the more stupid Freys called out from his place at the top of the tower. "Shout us to death?"

"FIRE!"

And just like that, with the sounds of mighty thunder the house of Frey started to crumble.

Three Weeks later.

The news of our easy victory spread throughout the seven Kingdoms.

Me with my 2 companions and a total of 50 men only taking out a whole house and forever ruining an entire castle?

Bullshit! Did the north get some dragons or something? 

Naw, we just got the weapons that allowed my last world to colonize the entirety of the globe, forever connecting all continents and changing all history.

After 6 rounds of canon fire, the castle of the Twins really started to crumble under its own weight.  
Thanks to my warning only adult men and warriors were only stationed at that castle while the old, women and children fled to the other side of the bridge.

They got to watch 20 minutes later as to the deafening sounds of thunder strikes the magical weapons of house Starks fell their mighty castle and killed their families, their sons, husbands, children and fathers.

Well, magical to the eyes of the uneducated plebeians. Simple science to us.

Though as the castle fell, a big part of the bridge was taken apart. The right side of the bridge on our side crumbled under the castle that too crumbled to that side.

At least there was a passage we could get through.

Just like promised, I frightened the rest of the Freys to death and told them to either follow me, go back to their families if they had any or to stay in the Riverrun and try their luck there.

If they came with me, I would send them to the many houses of the North, for them to live their rests of their lives there.

Some came, other gained the fear of gods before me and fled. Another few just spit to my feet and stormed away.

It did not matter, House Frey would never again stand in our way and I was fine with that.

As right for right now? I still waited for my men to report me of the happenings beyond the wall, so no progress was made on that side.

I read the reports of the progress of our agriculture, satisfied with the results, spent time with my family and prepared for the future.

Oh, one thing there was that I had done..

"My Lord? Roose Bolton is here, just as you ordered." One of my men reported to me.

"Good, send him here." I sat behind my desk, crossed my hands before my face and did a Gendo Ikari.  
It was time to let my asshole out, so who but him to do an impression of?

"My Lord? You wanted to speak to me?" The man came in, gave a short meaningless bow and sat before the table.

"Yes, I wanted to make some thing clear between us." I began delicately. "See, I know what sort of man you are. Ambitious, ruthless, you would do.. just about anything to get a job done. I can respect that, I really do. Were we go to war right now, you would offer me your best counsel and would be willing to do all those things a young and honorable heir to the north would be unwilling to do. To dirty your hands for our sake, so to speak. I.. really would have to be some retard to ignore one of your advice's after another and continue to do one stupid decision and thing after another. Only then, if you were sure of my downfall would you betray me." I shot him a look. "And I could not even really fault you for that."

His face staid impassive, only showing some fake submission to me. "My lord, I'd never.." Roose Bolton was slimy like that.

"Whatever, like I said, I could not fault you for that. There is this ancient rivalry between our houses so it is really expected. I could even make an argument for you wanting only the best for the north, in your own special way that is.. As in, better than under the rule of a weak leader, like a counterweight and a natural countermeasure to us Starks loosing our teeth, eh? But I do not fault you for that. You are a man of action after all, Roose, a man who will be a valuable ally during times of war."

I snapped my finger and the door opened, with a few men carrying a large tablet, not unlike one that a Lord would bring to a feast. It was covered by a large lid. The men just deposited it on the table and took a few steps back, standing vigil on each side of Roose.

".. what I can not forgive is what the bastard of yours has been doing, for quite some time now." I put my finger on the lid and trailed a few lines on it. "Hunting women? Skinning? Feeding them to his dogs and all the other atrocities? I don't know if you knew that Roose, but that is a big No No here in the North. Sins worthy of the harshest punishments.." I pulled the lid, revealing the severed head of Ramsey Snow. An ugly and big thing, somehow managing to keep traces of the cruelty of the man it belonged to even post mortem.

"From all the way in the past, after my father went to the south. I had heard the rumors of him and had my men find and execute him. A frightening shit he turned out to be. Killed many of my men and for how long he managed to escape. Yet here we are..."

"I mean, I am sure it must have escaped your notice... somehow... for now more than 10 years right under your nose.. I mean, you would never dare to go back to flaying people,no? Not after we, the Starks had forbidden that up here in the North, yes?"

"Of course, my lord." His composure did not even waver and he readily agreed with me. As ruthless as he was, he was just as slimy and willing to lick anyone's boots to get what he wanted.

"Good, good. I mean, why would you even keep that psycho around? Surely you knew he killed your son and would kill all your future children, no? Then there was his cruelty, one even you were unable to control. Finally look at him, just look at that ugly motherfucking head on the table! If that is a head not even a mother could love, then I do not know either! He does not even remotely look like your blood, fucks sake.. You sure he was even your bastard?"

Yes, the book version of Ramsey was a much different version than in the books. Ramsey was a huge man, flat and as ugly as the night. He was also, somehow far more crueler than even the books, with only Euron Greyjoy managing to top him.

"..I saw potential in him, my Lord." Roose admitted "A drive, one that I learned to direct where it needed to be."

"Well, at least you are honest with me." I chuckled. "So I will be honest to you as well. I have plans, Roose, great plans. Ones you will be a major part of. Soon, after our talks with the free folk, I will need to establish a favorable contact with Stanis Baratheon. We will tell him all sorts of honeyed words, like us totally submitting to him and being happy to bring him on the iron throne. In reality I will give him maybe some 10.000 men to join his cause and use him for some other plans of mine. I will send you, the Karstarks and the Umbers to join him in the war and you will fight for him, but more importantly you will fight for the North. Finally if and I do mean IF you manage to come back alive from the war, then and only then will I allow you to marry one of the northern ladies. You will get to have some more children and your house does not get erased from the histories, are we clear?"

"Crystal, my Lord."

".. you don't seem to be overtly mad at me for that, may I ask why?"

He just chuckled lightly and replied in the whisper voice of his. "Ohh, I would have been much worse in your stead, my Lord... This is practically a gift for me, a unique chance to prove myself."

I paused. My impression of him might be colored because of the things I knew from canon, but that did not mean I could not respect the man.

"... You know what? I like you Roose. Hopefully the war won't treat you too badly."

"Me too, my Lord, me too."

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One Week Later.

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Theon Greyjoy, I will be honest. I almost forgot he existed. That is if it was not for the annoying little piece of shit always coming to me and demanding some of my attention.

As of we were friends of anything.. Pff!

Theon was an unlikable sort of character, one that got to live through some of the most gruesome shit ever in the books and got much more better because of that. But as I had killed of Ramsey and did not have any sadistic tendencies, he would stay an useless asshole for a time still.

His character did have some interesting parts. Like his misguided pride for the Iron Borne ways.

He was like an immigrant that got into a far better country and got told his own country was a third world shit hole of a place over and over again, while he himself never really fit in into the new culture. So in his hurt pride and misguided loyalty he started to believe his own country was better.

Then there was him being an heir to his lands, so he became an arrogant little shit. One that would, not unlike Joffrey always bring that up as a way to get away with lots of shit and get what he wanted.

Fun fact: Remember those two farm boys Theon found when he raided the North after he betrayed the Starks? The boys who he had killed and burned till they became unrecognizable and displayed their corpses for the North to see? Yeah, turned out he fucked their mother exactly as many years before the boys were born.

As in Theon probably murdered his own children. Funny how he was punished for that pretty much every second of his life from there on. Kinslaying was said to be one of the greatest sins in Westeros.

All in all? Theon to me was nothing but a hostage. One I would need as I knew Balon Greyjoy would not hesitate to abuse any weakness of the north. All to once more declare his retarded ass as a King of his worthless throne.

Balon Greyjoy ever steps out of the line? I send him Theons head with a little bow on top of it.

Really, the only possible reason as to why I would want that annoying shit alive, is so that Euron fucking Greyjoy does not get to rule the Iron Islands as he is far too dangerous to be allowed that. As Theon would have a higher right to the succession, I could use that against the man.

If not to get the Iron Borne on my side, then to let them stay useless raiders and pirates. Better that the real threat they could become.

Or I will have to bomb the shit out of them and do a Frey.

I wonder, do I make me a song like the Rains of Castermere?  
Bah, copying the Lannisters is the last fucking thing I want to do,

But as for now? I give him a few coins so that he leaves me alone and visits all the brothels in the north.

Beyond that?

I had just gotten two letters.

One informing me that Mance Rayder demanded he speak directly to me. Right outside the wall, where it would be far more favorable to me as Mance knew the lands beyond the wall good enough to really fuck me over, if he really wanted to. Instead I get to meet right outside a place where I will get to retreat if anything went south.

The second of Joffrey having my father executed just like in Canon. His head now in full display on a pike, on the walls of the Red keep.

I knew of course of the real truth. How many would have preferred for my Father to keep his life and be imprisoned instead of it serving only to ignite a war.

Through the ambition of one man, Baelish managed to convince Joffrey he needed to show he could follow through with his promises and that he should show the world what he was willing to do.

And just like that my father was executed, just like it originally happened.

All because Baelish wanted the war to happen as he saw all the possibilities he could reap with it.

In short? The game was fucking on.


	3. Chapter 3

Interlude: Red Keep.

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Joffrey Baratheon (Waters) was sitting on his very own small council. Yes, that's right, he was the King now. The big Boss, the one who told the others what to do. He was wearing the grown up pants now!

He was also seething from the message he and his council received from all the way up north.

"Those traitors! How dare they! I will have their heads! Hang them, burn them!" He turned onto Littlefinger and blew up at him. "You told me they would listen to me! All I had to prove was that I got what it took!"

Baelish just smiled and continued to feed the King honeyed words. Probably going with his mind to better things, like him porking Catelyn Stark (Baelish). Or her daughter Sansa, she had potential if not with her nonexistent brains, then with her being a younger copy of his Cat... Or the both of them together.

Ops, now he was popping a boner. He looked around and righted his clothes.

No matter, he was sitting and nobody would notice..

The spy master Varys the spider took the letter lying on the great table and pulled it up to him. His face had a slightly incredulous expression on it. Surely nobody would dare to really write something like that to the ruler of the seven kingdoms? Surely nobody would be that daring, that insulting and that provocative to one who could rally all Kingdoms against the enemy that insulted him so gravely, right?

The Martells had enough hatred in them for the King and his blood and even their sanyity would be questioned, if they were to write such a thing!

He read:

"'Sup Cunts. As you degenerates have thought it a good idea to execute my father and the Lord of the North, we here thought it just right to inform you of our immediate independence from the seven, oops, I mean six Kingdoms. I sincerely wish you all to get fucked trying to invade our Lands. Please, pretty please be retarded enough to still try it though.. So unless the queen fucking her own brother magically gave you your own motherfucking dragons..."

Here Varys could not help himself and a burst of laughter at the absurdity and truthfulness of the statement almost escaped him. Instead the years of spies and lies saved him the embarrassment and probably, as we are talking about Joffrey here, his life as only a light snort got to leave his twitching nose.

"...You can all get fucked. Joffrey is a bastard, in all meanings of the word. Cersei is a pathetic cunt and brotherfucker. The only one with the dragons is Daenerys Targaryens, so you are all shit out of luck. If Stannis the mannis asks, we totally support his claim on that useless piece of junk you call the iron throne, like really hard. We support him so hard, we will pray lots for him. Totally! Promised!

Oh and do be darlings and tell my dearest sister Sansa my greetings. As I have zero believes in any sort of decency you people might have, I will assume her already tortured, raped and beaten to death. Or not, as she does have some sort of abstract value, does not seem to stop you though. I do not negotiate with tyrants, she would only ever be a weakness for you twats to exploit, so I have come to terms with her death already. Even held a little funeral. Was all emotional and shit. I also remember being told the useless cunt ran to the queen bitch and rat my father out, which proved essential to getting him killed. In short: Bitch is dead to me. The kindest words I can offer to her, are the following: May the old Gods have mercy on her soul. Also mother misses you, but she might as well be the only one.

Wishing you all a painful death.

The King of the Motherfucking North."

"Barking mad!" Cersei laughed. "The little Targaryen wench having Dragons? Last I heard of her, she was sold to the Dothraki savages and will stay a personal sex toy and brooding mare of one of them. Ha! A destiny worthy of the Targaryen brood.." Called out the woman who half a lifetime ago dreamed of marrying the Targaryen prince, while getting it from her twin.

"Traitors!" Joffrey exploded in rage, flailing uselessly and directing his mad range onto the closes things to him, like the useless little miscarriage that he is. "How dare they! I will have their heads!" He then turned to the queen and his mother. "See! Even the traitor thinks Sansa is a useless twat! I don't want to marry her any more!"

"Of course my darling." She cooed him. "We will find you the most beautiful and subservient Lannister to marry, only the best for my King."

"Of course my king." Baelish chimed in, looking just enraged and poleaxed enough for Varys to see he did not anticipate such a response at all and how much it must have gone against any sort of plans the man had. "We will immediately gather our armies and invade the north at our earliest convenience."

"Actually.." Varys cut in. "The Riverrun we can assume will side with the Starks, the Vale is as silent as ever ,Stannis has half of the Stormlands under him, while Ranley got the other half plus the Tyrells. The Martells... let's not even start on them. So in reality, we only have the Lannisters on our side.." He left the sentence open for the little King to finish.

"Traitors! All of them! I will have their heads on the pikes!"

"Yes, of course you will, my King." Littlefinger slimmed his way back in. "And if you give me an order, then I shall go and get the Vale on our side, that I can promise with certainty, my King."

"What about Stannis? Do we have to fear an alliance of the North and those traitors?" Cersei asked.

"Bah, the boy obviously doesn't care at this point and only wants to hole himself in his shit hole of a kingdom, where he thinks he is safe of us!" The Maester got out.

"Actually.." Varys cut in. "There is evidence that an alliance between them might indeed take place. After the news of Renly having gathered so much support, more than his older brother that is, Robb Stark did something very curious. He very publicly wrote to all of those lords, claiming that the Tyrells only supported him because and I quote: He sucked Loras dick like a lollipop."

Joffrey laughed at that cruelly. "The traitor is a faggot? Ha! Too good."

"Yes, while the people in this room know of Renly's sexual preferences, not many are really aware of that. And while that rumor could have been just lies, it surprisingly had strong consequences for them. Many lords, faithful to the seven did not take too good to the man who they wanted to put on the throne being, what you called, a faggot. In the end 7 Lords and still counting left their camps and allied themselves with Stannis. While that in of itself is nothing world changing, it does show that the North is actually supporting Stannis claim to the throne above all else. As in, this might be a scheme of theirs."

"What are the reactions of the Lords to his provocative actions?"

"They mostly think he is unstable.." Varys admitted, also not sure if the boy was mad, insane, had some incredibly intricate plans himself or just went allong with whatever.. what it was that he was doing.

"How do they even listen to that little shit! A boy, how do they even take him seriously in the north?" Jopffrey asked out loud and every single one of the attendants thought on the irony of those statements. Even his mother and bitch as a halfstep away from madness.

"Truth be told.." Varys answered. "We are not exactly sure. We only know of some things young Robb-"

"Traitor! You will address that scum as the traitor that he is!"

"The traitor had a bright mind as it turned out, as he invented many things that made the north a much more.. tolerable place to live in. Not all went smoothly, some lords barely paid him attention, others questioned his authority, but those Lords were only laughed at in the end. When it turned out that the inventions of the traitor brought the lords many riches, so they were made the laughingstocks of the north and accepted it still in the end. I also do not know how exactly he commands the Norths respect, but from all I could gather, he has this.. nonchalance about him. He laughed Greatjon Umber in the face when that man challenged his authority and had done something to Lord Bolton that forced him to cut any contact to me and mine.. As if he does not take any danger seriously at all... Or maybe he takes nothing serious at all, which is the answer to all our questions. Not to mention what he did to the Freys.."

Yes indeed, they all knew of what happened to the Freys and their Twin castles. Why? The Stark boy had written it themselves, letting them know of the sorts of might he commanded. A risky, move, but not like it did not fit in with the rest of things he did.

"A noble house, the Freys." Queen bitch Cersei cut in. "With ties to us. That action alone is reason enough to call them traitors and rail the whole kingdom against them." How she could speak that sentence with a straight face, nobody on the council knew, guess she was good for something. "The King has worked too much to have peace. To then have a mad boy ruin it all would surely raly all the Lords to a right cause!"

It was here that Varys thought that the Queen knew not of the word Irony and its meaning, which answered a lot of his questions about her.

"And what about those claims of his magical weapons?" Joffrey asked, suddenly much smaller. They knew not of the weapons workings and magic was the go to answer in those times. It was that, or the gods or some other shit like that.

"Bah! They just used wildfire!" The Maester jumped in. "Everything points to that. If that is their main source of confidence, then we have already won, HA!" He then turned quiet and muttered. "Though I did not see our Alchemists for more than a month now.." He quickly stood up, appologized to the counil and ran. If his concern turned to be real...

Ther rest, all but Varys and the Queen did not understand what his concern was at all. They exchanged a look but stayed seated, hoping the maester was wrong and the Alchemists were still somewhere here. Just out of everyones eyes.

After some pause, Varys finally asked. "Soo... Are we really going to invade the North?"

"Bah! No, especially not now, with the next great winter standing before our doorsteps." Cersei answered immediately, leaving the: Even I am not THAT stupid out of it. "But we won't allow them to just get away with it. I will be sure to write to my father and we will sanction them hard. They did have close ties to the Tullys and Riverrun?" She ended drawing it, gaining a cruel gleam in her eyes.

"Buuut Moooooom! They questioned Mah Authoritah" Joffrey whined and everyone turned him out, going back to their own little plans, schemes and plots for the future.

How really unpredictable the north turned out to be...

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Chapter 3

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3 Months Ago.

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Bran looked over to his big brother. He had just woken up from his coma, woken up a cripple for life. He did not know what to do and almost fell into a depression, were it not for the things his brother told him.

"Yer a wizzard, Brandon."

Yes, apparently his brother somehow got the bright idea that he, the crippled son of a dead lord got himself some magical powers after his fall. Do not get him wrong, it is bloody awesome, if it were true. He just is not sure where his brother got the idea from.

"Yes, wargs." He explained it to him yesterday, his younger brother Rickon sitting next to him. "The ability to skinchange into an animal... It's like you get to live inside the body of you wolf.."

"Do I get to live in Shaggydog?" Rickon asked.

"..yes, this is exactly what I had just told... you get to live inside your shaggy doggy. We Stark children all have that wondrous gift. I would like to say it came from our ancient and magical line, but it probably comes from the Whent blood we have thanks to our mothers family. That or from the old times where the Starks practiced the right of the first night and took all the good genes from the first men inside their families, but whatever.

Next step is being a greenseer. Now that shit is a little bit more complicated. It's like seeing visions of the future and the past and stuff like that. I don't really know, but Bran has that."

"Do I really?" He asked excitedly.

"Yeah, sure..."

"And why exactly do we have to do.. that?" He finally asked and pointed to the dark catacombs beneath the castles, a place Robb said would help them unlock more of their powers.

"Because sensory deprivation will stir our survival instincts and forecfully awaken our dormant genes and, as in our third metaphysical minds eye that will allow all those telepathic feats that are so famous through the histories of the north."

He and his younger brother just stared at him. "Whut?"

"Sigh.." Did he really just say sigh out loud? "The.. darkness.. will awaken our... super duper cool magics.."

"Ah, why didn't you just said so, you dummy?" Rickon asked him annoyed.

"Gods dammit Rickon.. Fuckin... just go inside and keep close to your shaggy doggy. If you get really good friends with him, he lets you see through his eyes, okay?"

"Okay!"

Like that they walked inside the dark resting place of the Starks of the past and got to live a few days in complete darkness. Though, as it turned out, his brother was right! Being a direwolf was freaking awesome!

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7 Weeks Ago

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Bran sat in the darkness of the tombs of Winterfell. Only the knowledge of Summer being so close to him brought him any comfort. For every day for one week straight, he would come down here for some time and be then escorted later out. Today though? He was left in here for hours, with nobody coming for him.

It was dark and so eerily silent, any odd sounds coming from the darkness around him would bring the worst of thoughts to the forefront of his mind. Ghosts, demons and all sorts of creatures that could have been hiding just there, looking down on him as he was unable to see anything. Taunting him, stalking him and he would be non the wiser.

Cold, he was thirsty and hungry. He hated the place and just wanted to get out. "Robb!" He called out to his brother. "I don't want anymore.. I don't care for those stupid powers, Robb!" He sniffed and hot tears fell down his cheeks. "I wanna get out!"

He sat on top of Summer, the wolf just large enough to carry his small body. He got his wolf to walk. Anywhere really, he just wanted to get out. His eyes started to play tricks on him, showing the many shadows moving, the odd sounds down here just enchanting his imagination.

For hours he wandered more, finally thinking he must have walked only deeper inside and would be forever lost in here.

As his breathing increased and his mind rushed in panic, he leaned against Summer and lost consciousness.

Though as he opened his eyes once more, his eyes saw better than ever and his smell was as sharp as only an animal could be. The last nail in the coffin was him seeing his own body right beneath him.

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1 Month Ago

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"What is that?" Bran asked his older brother. Together with him, Rickon and Arya, who just recently got back, they all sat as a family before the weirwood trees of their castle and were preparing themselves for another one of Robbs ideas.

"This, my little, stupid and far less handsome brother... "He was too handsome, damn it! "..Is a plant that I had searched far and wide. I had sent my men to search the forests beyond the wall, had sent them to look through the old ruins of Valyria and through the cursed forest of Ifequeron and Yi TI. Had the whole world looked at, just to find even some traces of it.. Then it turned out it was growing naturally in the swamps of the neck, fuck me.. At least my trip to the Freys was good for something."

Rickon giggled. "You said a bad word!"

"And you are an annoying little shit I do my utmost to ignore, brother dearest... But anyhow, the fucking Reeds were smoking weed for ages now! Asses, did not even share.. No wonder they are so chill." He gave each one of us one of those things he called a "joint.", though Bran really did not know why he called it that way... "Anyhow, shit is not as strong as the Shade-of-the-evening that the fucking Warlock drink in their little cult in Qarth, buuut it will make do, for now."

"And you are sure this right here will help us.. open up that third eye thingy you spoke about?" Arya asked, skeptical.

"Heell fkin yeah it will!" He giggled. "Shit will make yall tripping balls. Me and my good friends Tyrion and Qubyrn... tested it extensively. Let it just be said we were happy with the results.."

Bran did not know why he would be tripping over balls, but he did as his older and far more responsible brother told him and breathed in through the smoking joint.

He caught, smoked some more, caught more and more, until he smoked it whole and then turned back to his brother. " I don't feel any different."

Then the face of his sister started to look funny and all the colors of the world began to dance around him. Even a crow with three eyes appeared to him!

Bran did not remember all, but he did remember giggling a lot. Man, greenseer dreams were sure lots of fun!

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Present.

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"And you are really sure I, a cripple should go with you to beyond the wall?" Bran asked me for the tenth time.

"Yeah, sure. You'll get to meet this old wizzard and... It's gonna be real cool, I hope."

"Okay.." He looked like he was gathering more courage to ask about something else and finally did so. "I wanted to ask... is it true? What you had written about Sansa? Is she really banished from our family?"

I just chuckled, not believing Brans naivety. "Bran, come on, you are not stupid.. Of course I just did that to make sure they could not use her against us. She is a hostage sure, but now at least they won't do stupid things like cutting of one of her fingers and sending it to us. And if they do? Well fuck them! Why? We would not care at this point. We have cut all ties to her, publicly. I am also betting on Littlefigner getting all obsessed over her and to kidnap her to the Vale, where his degenerate of a fuckbuddy and our aunt waits for him. Don't worry, we'll get her in like a year or so... by that point everybody will get over my stunt and just accept her. And if not? Well, I am the King and she gets married of to another house anyway. Won't have to tolerate her shit even all that long.."

"Mother cried a lot.." Bran got out.

"Bran.. I don't want to sound mean or anything, but our mother is a woman. The dead wife of a lord, as in; left baggage. Her opinions don't fucking matter, so doesn't she. I am the lord and when I tell her to shut her trap and don't do any retarded shit, since she is just a stupid little woman, she ought to do just that."

Bran just stared horrified at me, not believing it.

"What? We live in the damned middle ages, Bran! Fucks sake, women are treated like that here, it's the norm. I am betting even you are turning into a misogynist at this point."

"Wha, I'd never.."

"Yeah sure and when Arya beat you in any physical activities in the past, you did not get your manly pried hurt or anything, no! You were honored to witness such empowerment of the female sex!" I flipped him off. "Yeah, whatever. I am all for equality up in here, but it does not change the fact that most females do happen to be completely retarded. I mean, Cersei? Bitch believes herself to be so clever but is more nearsighted than a manatee. Oleana Tyrell? Queen of thrones my ass, she too never plays the long game. Though respect is where it's due, she does kick some ass. Daenerys Targaryen? Bitch likes to play dragon Jesus, but is this entitled little cunt that likes the sound of her own 27 titles being called out in every occasion."

"..how do you even know of her?" Bran wondered, probably thinking on some weird ass greendream he had or something. "And what are the middle ages?"

"I am awesome like that. What I was getting at? Guess I just wanted to rant about Daenerys a little. Gods, I hope that twat stays in Essos. Hopefully those theories were true and she would need to travel to Ashai and do her own duty against the others there.."

Wait, was she not much better in the books? I was in the book verse, right? I mean, she did have that sense of entitlement in the books as well, only not to that ridiculous degree.

"I will break the wheel! How I will do that? Getting rid of feudalism? Fuck naw? What, do I look like a fucking commie to you? Nah man, I'll just fly in with mah dragons and burn lots of shit down, like the people that disagree with the house of Targaryen. Also fuck the common people, let's burn in lots of food supplies and then later complain how little food is left in Westeros! GENIUS!"

She was still this marry sue of a character, but that was justified. She had this whole theme of predestination, of her being mostly a puppet to powers far above herself and in such had fate on her side. As in she was just this one girl that had all the right genetics and was in the right position for the powers above to guide her to where they wanted her.

Even still, in the books she took over Mareen and did this whole "Hollier than thou" act by being all against slaves, but in reality was really racist against those people. Wanted really nothing more than to just take the peoples riches, her "freed" slaves and to fuck of to Westeros. There once again, her sense of entitlement would force her to take over the throne, because she is the blood of dragons or whatever.

Daenerys is this 15 year old girl that only some years ago thought of her big brother as this godlike figure, with him never being any wrong. She even really believed she would get to marry him, which shocked her later when she found out he wanted to well her off like that.

Ok, she gets away with it. As long as she stays in Essos...

"Anyhow, the reason why I came here to begin with. We are setting out in 7 days. Get yourself and your Hodor-mobil prepared, you are not going to return any time soon. Chilling with tree wizards and smoking the best pot and shit.. Lucky sonofabitch.. Let's just hope he doesn't turn out to be evil or anything, kay?"

".. I am not so sure I want to go anymore.."

"Ha, as if you had a choice! The Reeds are getting here by tomorrow, so you won't stay a friendless looser for any longer! Good on you, brother dearest!"

"I hate you.."

"Yeah? Well, how about you stand up and hit me? Ohh, wait, you can't! Ha!"

"Fuck you.."  
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6 Days Later

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"Sub bitches." I walk into some rooms I took over from the Winterkeep, threw all the useless junk out of it and called it mah labs. Because me smart. Me having visited 13 years worth of classes in public edukayshun. "Sup hoe." I greeted Tyrion. "How's the glass production going?"

He just rolls his eyes. "It's okay, could be better. There is not really a high demand for most of the components of glass to be easily available on the open market, so we have to look deep. Then there is us trying to be discreet in not just giving the spies access to the receipt by simply following our shopping list, which forces us to buy lots of different things.. Finally you do not want to give the secret out to many people, which leaves only us 3 and some more muscle worth of manpower... Finally this is not even the only project we are working on! What I am saying, I need a break, please."

"Hmm yeah. Lucky you, I won't be able to take your crippled ass beyond the wall then. So there, like a month you can dedicate to just that."

"Wow." He answers in deadpan. "Thank you so very much. A truer friend one could not wish for."

"No problemo bro." Then to Qubyrn. "And the glass gardens?"

Glasshouses, or gardens as they were called here, were a thing over here in the North. At least over here with the Starks. Maybe it was thanks to the hot springs around here, but I do not believe glasshouses were so ancient to exist in the middle ages. Which is odd as this place is mostly being stuck in the middle ages.

Technological advancement is kind of odd and all over the place in this world. Like they have galleys for ships, they have telescopes that some marines use, they have very advanced and incredible wildfire. Steel, with Valyrian steel being the magical version of the incredible wootz steel alloy people even hundreds of years back in our world were somehow able to create, but not yet the simple non-magical wootz steel. (Wootz Steel was famous for having the same beautiful patterns on its blade as Valyria steel has. Incredibly durable and makes for some incredible blades that are far superior to any convenient steel.)

Man, now that I think about it, I do remember some of the process of the creation of said steel. No step by step guide or anything, but man. I should at least give the things I remember to the smiths and tell them to experiment with it and to see if anything useful will come out of it.

And yet they did not have any compasses. Field rotation. Use something quite like, but not yet at the level of cement to hold the stones together they build their castles out of. No cement itself though. Had glass, but only really one place in the world only even knew its secrets and the how's and they guarded those secrets jealously, willing to do just about anything to keep them only for themselves.

Need to keep watch out for them, now that I think about it..

Still, greenhouses. In the books only the Starks had any, probably because of how costly any glass from Myr would be. Not only that, but they'd have to import it from all the way from Myr, which could lead to it easily breaking on its massive journey by boat and carriage.

Ramsey, by the way destroyed them when he sacked Winterfell. Am I fucking glad I got rid of that little tumor on the body of the north! You did a good job the me of the past, I am proud of you.

I believe those greenhouses of the Starks were quite old. As in, from times of Bran the builder or something like that. Incredibly costly to build an very valuable to the Starks. I remember Jon debating building such greenhouses near the wall, which he thought would be quite possible. But alas, up till now those were mostly dreams of the Northern folk to have them.

Not anymore baby!

Know how to create that shit now, at least the glass part of it. Which is really all that matters. Gonna create more of them over here, show them off like some priced possessions and sell that shit for far less than in Myr, but still a huge sum to the rest of the lords in the North.

Maybe even export it to the other kingdoms, who will no doubt ignore any signs of war to get their greedy little hands on some very valuable glass. The Maesters in the citadel would easily buy that, as long as I get some people to work that into bottles and spherical containers.

I needed money. Why? Well, I did some maths...

One year and a half of summer in the North. As in not just 3 months of summer, followed by Autumn, Winter and Spring. Instead I would have one and a half years: 18 months of summer weather you could compare to countries like Canada. Beyond that I will have maybe a full year of transition to full blown winter, as in 12 months of Autumn. Maybe less, I was not clear in how the cycle worked here. IT was confusing to say the least.

That means actually more than 2 years worth of nonstop time to get myself as much food as possible as Autumn is mostly the time where you get to actually harvest all the things you grew.

Though the lands would need rest after each harvest, as the plants will suck them dry of any minerals otherwise and produce inferior results over time. But it is really no problem with how much land the north has.

The problem comes if you start to calculate all the food stocks and how they would fare in a 10 or so year long winter. As in, with my calculations I will have enough food to live comfortably for 5 years by the end of the autumn. 5 years after which anybody but the Lords, who will no doubt have the most food stocked in their castles, will start to hunger and die off horrible deaths.

That is only if you account for the people of the North and just them. No immigrants from the free folk, of which I do plan to take in quite a few. The North has just about 300.000 people, of which there are some mountain clans. They are not strictly speaking under my jurisdiction and the only difference between them and the mountain clans in the vale is that we are both of the first men and in that share a peaceful relationship. They leave us alone and work with us if needed, but value their freedom.

I expect to take in 25% of my peoples numbers from beyond the wall, which adds another 75000 of men, women, old and children to the equation. 75000 of the a million of all people beyond the wall is not all that much and yet I am afraid that taking in more would lead to disastrous consequences. I am still hopeful my talks with Mance will go the way I want them...

With those numbers, we will last maybe 4 years during the massive winter that will most likely last 10 years or so. It was said the winters were as long as the summers, after all.

And there you have it, the reason for me wanting lots of money. To buy as much food as I can get away with. The Tyrells are famous for their fertile lands and are such people that would sell us anything regardless of the political situation. They just don't give a fuck and like I said previously are an ambitious bunch. They would not loudly announce it, but wold do so regardless. We are, after all their most valuable source of export. Us and the Martells.

To buy foods from the south and to have all the castles in the North equipped with massive glasshouses is my game plan for the winter. Our glasshouses are mostly to grow such foods that we would not usually get in the northern lands, such as lime and other fruits, vegetables and even flowers. I could easily build more and dedicate them solely to growing a nice amount of nutritious foods. So could other lords, though I am unsure what the absence of hot springs will mean for their glass gardens.

"Since the both of you are staying here while I am gone, focus on that. Make as much glass as you possibly could for the other lords. What else.. Ah, yes that. How is Moat Cailin doing down south?"

"Last we heard, the reconstructions have begun and will still be going in half a years time. Why? Afraid of a war?" Tyrion taunted me. To be honest, he was not wrong. Moat Cailin was the greatest defense I would have from anything south of it. The swamps would make it impossible for anyone to move through them safely and with all the weapons, ammunition and food that the south would need for a full scale war.

Not that it will really happen. I mean, come on! That's like invading Russia, you just don't do it. Even if you win, by the time winter will come, you and all your armies will get fucked twice over!

"Naw, is just an awesome castle. Have this awesome buddy that I want to gift it to..."

"Brah. No way.. I am, I mean. I am honored. After all my life to have this happen to me." Tyrion became speechless. His eyes actually watering at that.

"I was talking about Qubyrn actually.."

"Ha ha." Tyrion got out a deadpan laugh. "Got me there. But you were kidding, right?" I did not answer and walk away. "Robb? This was just a joke, right? I am still getting my awesome castle to rub it into the faces of my once time family, right? Would that not be totally funny and worth it? Robb?"

.

.

A Day Later.

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.

We gathered our supplies, readied and fed our horses. I prepared some things on my own, like me taking lots of glass with me on my journey to give it to all the lords whose strongholds I will ride past and to supply the wall itself with it.

Though as we were all ready to travel, I received one more letter. Something I had been awaiting for a long time now.

The Lannisters began to pillage the Riverrun in retaliation to my actions and to force me out of my save North.

"Good..." I had been awaiting that for months now. Had some 20.000 men prepared in Moat Cailin and the Twins. Ten thousand in each of the castles, waiting for just the right moment to ride out to war. "Give the order."

Like I had told Roose Bolton, I gave the order for the Boltons, Karstarks and Umbers to go there. 10.000 men would stay in reserve and man the 2 castles, while the other 10.000 would go and help Riverrun.

10.000 does not sound like much, but I did not just send them there with empty hands. Foods, supplies and new weapons. Their forces would help the Tully fight a defensive war. As in from within the castle, where each man was worth 5 of the ones behind the wrong side of the wall.

But not only that, I had also sent out a Raven to Stannis. One that would hopefully change history and make the small forces I sent there irrelevant anyway. I was mostly hoping for the woman in red to support the claims I made in the letter, but I had faith in her being more than just a charlatan anyway. Not only that, but she was perhaps the only person on this side of the continent that would believe any claims I made of the others returning.

She burned people and was a mad, old bitch, but did not mean she did not have her uses.

I had done all I wanted, instructed my men and sent all the letters. I had the supplies and the men I would need for my journey to the wall and beyond and plans were in motion all over the North.

With great satisfaction I rode out of Winterfell.


	4. Chapter 3,5 Hodor

Omake:

In the halls of Winterfell, Robb, Tyrion, Qubyrn, some of the soldiers and men around, plus Hodor sat around a massive table filled with foods and many different drinks. The men mostly took the day off to sit down and drink themselves into oblivion.

It's the fucking middle ages, what else they gonna do? Fucking and drinking, nothing else. No wonder so many spend their times plotting and scheming..

Robb Stark sat in the middle of it all, one large cup of Beer in one of his hands, while the other was too busy gesturing to the tales he told the rest of the man.

Currently, he had tears streaming down his face, some other men as well. It was a massive tale, filled with wizards, time travel, skinchangers and one of the greatest heroes the world would ever have the honor to have.

".. and then he ordered him to hold the door. Hold the Door! He cried over and over again. Hol Da Door it became after a while, until only Ho Door remained, forever ingrained into his very being." He fully cried now, standing up and walking over to Hodor, Wylis his real name. He walked up to him and hugged him. "Come here, you big beautiful teddy bear of a man! I never told that to anyone, but I love ya man. Hope that ya know that."

Hodor just nodded happily. "Hodor."

He still cried and wet the large mans clothes with his snot and tears. "And how you held that fucking Door! Held it right till the fucking end!"

The rest of the men at the table too cried at that, some trying to hide it, others just drinking to drown the sorrowful tale they had just been told.

"To Wylis!" He finally exclaimed, raising his cup into the air. "The true fucking hero of this story!" The others followed him and downed their drinks all in one go..

Robb too put his cup down and sat right next to Hodor, still hugging the man.

"..And that is why my little brother Bran is a massive cunt..."


	5. Chapter 4

Interlude: Dragonstone.

Stannis Bratheon, second of his name sat in his shitty little keep on Dragonstone. An island as useless as the iron islands. No wait, the iron islands at least provided some iron to mine, that piece of shit only had its obsidian and nothing much else.

It had a cool castle, so that was neat. He had plenty of ships, thanks to him being the master of ships. But in the end it only managed to make him an inferior and shittier version of the Iron Borne.

Yes, somehow that was possible. Gods and his brother be damned.

Man, he really hated his brother on days like these, may he rot in hell.

He held a letter in his hands, one he had gotten handed to him by the newly crowned King of the North.

What an unlikable character, he thought. But if the contents of this letter turned out to be true, then he could not afford to ignore them.

Ever since this letter arrived, he had invited his Onion Knight and woman in red to his office. For days they read, reread and re re read the letter, discussed every single written word in it and stared at some flames for hours.

By the end of it any and all plans Stannis had were discarded and new ones were made. The onion knight was still sent to gather new men and new ships from his pirate friends, but now those would be used for something wholly different.

He still met with his traitor brother Renly, but decided against killing him. Instead he retreated and allowed the fool to think he won. Like the northerner put it: instead of alienating the Tyrells from him and allowing for the Reach to ally themselves with the Lannisters, all against him as the ultimate evil of their own dramas, he would just leave them alone and get out of the picture. Allow for Renly and his greedy ambitions to be the one to war with the lions, while he went to fight the one true enemy.

Not to mention how he would avoid the greatest sin of all: Kinslaying. All by doing just that.

It was smart in its simplicity, he had to admit. If it was before, without all the data he possessed now? Then he would never allow for such a thing to occur. But now? Now it was the smartest course of actions.

Melisande was saddened to not getting his kingsblood to use for her shadows binder magics, whatever that meant. But even she agreed readily to it when she read the rest of the letters.

Something he did not quite understand at the time the young Lord in the north did was to have left some young children at Dragonstone. While the northeners were retrieving their youngest lady and the Stark family sword, they also made to his lands. All to just leave one young smith and some more young, darkhaired children.

It was only once his Red Priestess took a look at them and declared them to be of kings blood that he understood why he would need them.

Ever since then Melisande has... used them for her magics. While he tried his hardest to not pay attention to those bastards, he knew at least of the oldest to still be alive.

Ever since nearly a month ago, since the woman saw something in her flames and thanks to the newfound knowledge, she immediately apologized to him and left. Only told him that something incredible was about to happen, something that would change the course of this war and the future.

Now a month had passed and the woman returned. With only 160 of the 200 people she took with her, but radiant and smug in some victory she gained.

Two more people followed behind her. One he recognized, the red priest Toros of Myr. The other was bound and had only a bag over his head. Beaten and having his ability to speak restricted as he moaned and cried from underneath it.

Melsiande bowed before him. "I was successful, my King."

He just grit his teeth. "And how is one more Red Priest supposed to help me win a war?" He got out bitingly.

"Oh, don't mind little old me." The drunken Toros got out. The man was mainly famous for two things: His drunken ways that rivaled his old brother and his battling with a flaming sword, something the both of them shared now. "Just had a little revelation from my God and decided to follow your loyal priestess over here."

Yes, was it a different time line, then Toros of Myr would have gotten into a battle with his men against the Mountain and the Lannisters, on the orders of the hand of the King. He would have witnessed one Baeric Dondarion die and would perform the usual prayer to his lord, something that would inexplicably have revived the man.

Now instead he just traveled the lands and fought in the wars and skirmishes to get some coin, to be allowed to live his drunken live style.

Though one night, as he sat before a warming fire and stared deeply within it like his faith usually demanded, he started to see unusual visions. And thanks to them he managed to find his fellow priestess and followed to Dragonstone. As for his future? Who but his Lord knew for sure...

"No my King." Melisande answered, almost laughing with the joy she felt as something she accomplished. "It is the second man that will change the course of this war."

Just like that she quickly snatched the bag from over the mans head, revealing a beaten but recognizable face underneath it.

"Peter Baelish." He still grit his teeth, but this time only because of how much he despised the slimy man. He turned back to his priestess. "Did you... see something in your flames?"

She nodded radiantly. "Yes my King, they showed me that unwilling servant to the great other, the one who with his scheming and dark machinations would unwillingly aid the others on their quest for destruction of all living. He showed me the man in a vision, at his most vulnerable and on his way to claim the Vale thanks to his scheming. Give the aid of the Vale to the Lannisters, he will no more..."

Stannis just nodded. So her powers were not just... tricks. Even up till now he was not completely and fully behind her. Maybe that would change from now on...

He though on Baelish and what he knew of him, then went back to the letter and reread the passage about him.

"You were the one behind Jon Arryns death." More a statement than a question, he did not even need to hear his answer to see him jerk slightly in surprise. Good, at least that was truthful. "You also have complete control over Lysa Arryn and the.. supposed future heir of the Vale?"

"O-of course, my Lord." Baelish got out from his broken and swollen jaw. "I-I could give you the complete access to all of the Vales huge resources and armies.."

He got back to the letter and read another passage: 'Slimy and ambitious, willing to do anything and mislead anyone. Chaos is his ladder, or so he claims. Knows people and knows hot to appeal to them at their most desperate to then deliver on his promises with any means necessary and rise in power..'

"So you would denounce your king Joffrey just like that and accept me as your new Lord and King?"

Littefigner laughed in contempt. "He is just a bastard and I live to serve the one true King, my King."

"Not just that.." He continued. "You also have most of the Lords of the Vale in your debt. A scheme you have been working for years now, all to have a leverage over all of the Lords in the Vale. All to have nothing stand between you and your lordship... Tell me, why should I not just kill you here and now, then contact all of those lords and just claim those debts?"

"That would never work!" Baelish claimed, his stutter gone as the man thought himself back at some power in that confrontation. "Lysa has the absolute authority and she would never accept anyone but me!"

"Yes." Stannis agreed. "That is, if and I mean if we assume that her child, the heir to the Vale is of actual Aryn blood and not a Baelish bastard. Information that I could easily prove, the woman being as insane as she is, and have the Lords swear to me... All by simply giving them your head on a platter. Something everyone... would be just delighted to see."

Though as she had ties to the riverlands and the north and he had plans to ally himself with them, that would be a dumb decision to make. He did not voice those thoughts but rather looked for the caricature of a mans reaction.

Baelish eyes widened and he staggered back. "Sansa!" He finally found another thread to grab on. "Sansa Stark! I could easily get her for you! I swear!"

Stannis blinked and got back to another passage within the letter of Robb Stark: 'Obsession over Catelyn Stark and most likely, her carbon copy and daughter Sansa.'

"Hmm... so you could.." He turned to his priestess and nodded to her. "Good work.." High praise, coming from him. "Take him away. Have only the most loyal of my men, ones who would not be tempted by all the riches and lordships in the world and have them guard that... man."

After his people dragged the man screaming and kicking out of his studies, he stood up and walked over to the flames.

"Is it true then?" He asked the only woman that remained with him. "What the letter talks of the rest?"

Melisande walked over and looked at the letter for the hundreds time. "...yes. The lights true enemy is rising and they are as many as they are powerful. We must help them, my King. It is our duty most and foremost."

"What about the rest then? The wildfire in the capitals?"

Melisande just smiled a smile that he was not so sure how to feel about. "Ohh yess..." She drawled that S pleasurably. "The Lord showed it to me and it was glorious. Never before had this world burned as brightly as in the capital... The enemies could use it against us, or... we could use it against them, my King."

He turned around angrily. "Are you mad, woman!? I want to rule the seven Kingdoms, not rule over a burning pile of ash!" Not just that, no other lord would accept someone who succeeded the mad king in such a way! No, better it just stay unused or be the downfall of his foolish little brother.

She just looked at him with pity. "Just think on it, my King. The capital, so stinking, so full of lies and deceit. The fire... it would cleanse it, allow it a rebirth! Would a little sacrifice not be worth such a miracle?"

Gritting his teeth, he turned away from her, angrily. He would maybe think on it...

But as of now? "Prepare my ships and my men. Load the dragonglass onto the ships. We will sail for the Vale first and the North second. First we get a kingdom, then we ride to save the world."

.

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Chapter 4

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.

"Jon! My brother from another mother! Come here you little shit!" I jumped from my horse and hugged the black wearing teen. Man, technically since this world only had children and then immediately men by the age of 14 or so. Jon was 14 by the way, just like me.

Or were we already 15? I completely forgot about that, doesn't matter.

He hugged me awkwardly.

"What?" I asked him, seeing the little frown on his face. I mock hissed a breath through my teeth and put on a concerned face for the public. "Ohh, right. The whole me reminding you that you are a bastard, because you are a bastard..." Jon just nodded solemnly. "Yeah, awkward... Anyhow, daddy dearest died, so it is probably safe to reveal to you that he never really was your father to begin with. Probably."

"What?"

"Yeah, I am betting on our late uncle Brandon and one Ashara Dayne from Dorne, but who am I really to know that, right? Anyhow, uncle Benjen is still here and living right?" He nodded. Sweet, the butterflies are really nice at here. "I am betting on him knowing the truth, so how about you just ask him, ne? It's either that or you being a secret Targaryen or something retarded like that. I mean, just imagine that, ha!" We shared a laugh together, or at least I laughed for the both of us while the little shit just sulked like usual.

This was how that sharing thing worked, right?

"Lord Stark." Lord Mormont bowed his head slightly as a show of respect.

"Lord commander." I pointed with my hand to the many carriages we have brought to the walls. "We bring gifts!"

"Thank you my Lord. The world is used to forgetting about the Nightswatch. I am glad you are not one of them."

I agreed readily. Really though, I was just buttering them up. They would very soon go against all that they stood for and would also need to protect that massive ice wall from beings that had control over ice.

I feel like there is something wrong with the sentence that I just thought of... Almost like a palpable irony. But I am sure it is nothing!

"My Stewart has prepared the quarters for your stay, my Lord. Could we speak some more of your goals? Somewhere more secluded?"

Oh right. There was that.

See, I could not just come walking into the nightswatch and be all like: Sup Bitches. I own that shit now. Shut your traps and do as told.

That would be a nice way to earn myself a Jon Snow ending, with many hateful and miserable sons of bitches that really have no future to speak of focusing their hatred on me.

Some of that pesky diplomacy had to be used.

So when I came here I did not announce like a retard that I would be inviting the barbaric aliens into our lands just because I feared some fucking ice demons. I came here telling them I would negotiate with the king beyond the wall because of how much the situation had already escalated.

An army of a million people beyond the wall made that all that much more believable.

My plans beyond the wall were then less of real factual plans and more of me just throwing shit at the wall and looking for what would stick.

It worked in Worm, it was going to work here, I hoped.

.

.

Traveling beyond the wall was no easy thing, let me tell you that. Going by foot, with a heavy backpack filled with clothes, tents, food and other necessities made that even harder.

Of course me as the Lord Paramount and King of the North and all that jazz did not have to do that, I had my boys do it for me. It was still pretty darn harsh. Also just looking at the poor sons of bitches made my shoulders ache.

Mormont was and the ravens were all salty that I wanted to meet with the people they spent large portions of their lives fighting, but not as salty as they could have been. Which was nice enough, I supposed.

The rendezvous point was the fist of the first men, that place where in canon the nights watch made a camp and found some of those sweet glass daggers.

It could have technically been far closer, at Craster's keep, but noo! In my infinite wisdom I wanted to travel far enough for us to hopefully directly meet the wandering armies of the undead and ice demons. All to finally convince the watch and lords following me in here of just how serious it all was.

Fuck the me of the past, fucking cunt. I will spit on your grave you fuckmothering twat.

Officially the worst decision ever made.

Making a sworn blood enemy out of Tywin Lannister over a shitty joke? 10/10, would do again, will most likely end up doing it again.

Killing off all Freys in a bout of insanity? Nice afternoon, not enough Freys in the world to do again.

Writing that letter to the iron throne for some shits and giggles, with a few political plays thrown in just because I could? The processing power of an average human brain is not enough to quantify the awesomeness of it.

But that? Freezing my ass of within a layer of 3 coats and walking through the shitty haunted forest beyond the wall? 2/10, too much frozen water, would not recommend.

Thankfully that was all left behind as they had reached Craster's keep.

Reading the books and seeing the show, I had quite a few expectations about how that meeting between us and Craster would turn out to be. I was happy that I, once more, surpassed all expectations though.

Surprisingly enough he and Craster hit it off swimmingly. What a nice guy he turned out to be.

"... and then I told her, bitch, go and put some bits of meat between a bun of bread with some butter for me." We shared a laugh as he finished his incredible tale.

I wiped a few tears away from the uproarious laughter and put the mug of mead away. Man, what a guy...

Invented the sandwich without being aware of it, truly a genius ahead of his time!

"I get you man." I told him, tipsy if not slightly drunk already. "Like I always preach: Incest is wincest." We toasted to that.

He laughed and relaxed back in his seat at that, interest peaked at that. "So you and your sisters?"

That stopped me cold. "What, no, eww, no, just no. Sansa is a total twat and Arya is just that little twerp tomboy, gods no. I have trouble seeing them as real humans, let alone women!"

His interest only seemed to increase at that. "Your mother then?"

"Where do you think Sansa got it all from? Naw, eww, even worse..."

He sat back. "So you do not do as you preach?" There was an accusation in his tone, mixed in with a tone of disappointment usually used to instill shame in people.

Fuck, how do I explain to a savage from the middle ages that I was just meming him?

Derail the conversation!

"But yeah, anyhow. Incest, purest form of love, just behind faux yuri incest."

"What's that?"

"Its two sisters making beautiful love to each other, without a man. A purer form of love the gods have not yet come up with." I nodded seriously and clasped my hands in a quick prayer.

His eyes widened at that. "Ohh, yeah, I get you man." He raised his jug at that. "I have my daughters sometimes do it for me... Yeah."

That stopped me and I looked him dead in the eyes, as serious as the coming apocalypse. "It is all consensual, I hope?"

He raised his eyebrow and turned away. He pointed his large meaty fingers at someone and shouted. "Ey bitch! Bitch! Yeah you! Come here!"

A younger girl, no older than 11 came running up to us, clearly confused.

He gave her a hard look. "Bitch, you consensual?"

She blinked and smiled a silly smile."Yes daddy!"

He turned back to me and pointed his hand back to her, as if telling me: see! Told you!

My hard look did not ease up.

I looked him in the eyes, trying to read any deceit in it.

Then at the girl before us and in her eyes.

Back to him.

Now back to her.

Now back to him.

Now back to her.

Then eased up and nodded my head, pretending to relax. Thinking to myself 'Girl definitely got down syndrome'.

"Alright, I can respect that. We in the north take it really serious with consent, we do not joke about that shit." I nodded seriously and took another sip out of my mug.

"I even think about introducing a new system in which any time before anyone has sex, they will have to come before a lord and sign a contract of consent, just so there will be no misunderstandings like these."

"Well, that's just fucking retarded..."

I sniffed and pretended to ignore it. Guy is just a barbarian fucking his own daughters anyway, what does he even know? What did he know of the civilized modern ways of the twenty first centuries first world culture?

Fucking nothing, that's what.

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion." I finally grit out.

We sat in silence after that. Most of the men from below the watch and the watch itself had long since gone to sleep on the outside, so it was just me, Crasten and his wives/sisters/daughters and whatever.

I took another gulp of that disgusting mead, alcohol was a poison the humans learned to harvest for their own gains and yet still those savages made even poison taste more disgusting than ever.

Soon the silence was getting even to me and so I turned to Crasten. My immediate impression was that of a dejected manchild sitting there and nursing his mug, avoiding looking at me anymore.

'Fuck, can not have him be mad at me' I thought. 'If only to have that cozy place to warm my pale ass when we make way to go home. Doing that whole journey again? Without rest and already worn out when we return? I will get fucked!'

So I nudged him from my own place. "Ey man, what's up? Why so silent all of a sudden?"

He shrugged his shoulders and made to push my hand away, still avoided looking at me. "Is nothing..."

"Come on, don't be a downer. I'll listen, promised."

"It's just." He briefly bit on his large lips and continued. "I just thought you get it man, I thought we had something special here, was hopeful... But you don't." He sniffed briefly. "I'd bet you will too go behind my back to laugh and redicule me with your friends..."

Immediately my damage control protocols were activated in my by alcohol tainted mind.

"Hey, nothing like that! Craster, friend, buddy, just because I happen to not fuck my mothers and sisters does not mean we can not still be friends and have a healthy respect of one another!" I gave him my winning smile.

Bitches loved that smile.

He still shrugged it off. "Now you are just saying things..."

"No no no! Listen, I get you man." I put my hand on his shoulder to pat him. "I respect you, I appreciate you my man."

He still did not seem convinced so I leaned in. "Let me tell you something. Those guys out there?" I pointed to the army that accompanied me here. "I don't give a fuck about them, they are just tools! Fucking dimwits that follow me here just because I have some fancy title, can barely think for themselves!" I laughed.

"But you? You my man are a true genius, an entrepreneur truly ahead of his time!"

He shook his head with a bashful smile. "Now you are just buttering me up..."

"No no, listen, I really mean it. So those degenerates follow me here just because I told them so, but you? Would you have done the same just because some fucking kid in a castle told him to?"

He sniffed. "No..."

"Yes!" I exclaimed. "That's what I am talking about! People live their lives in fears and with nothing and die nothing just because of the status quo, but not you, not at all."

"So some fucking king tells you: 'Craster, you can not fuck your children and you can not fuck your own grandchildren, you can also not fuck your own grand grandchildren...' You get the idea. Now normally that would make anyone stop. Did it stop Craster the Master though?"

Craster sniffed but this time there was some fire in that. "Fuck no!"

"Exactly! It would stop everyone but not you! I mean, what does the fucking King even have the right to tell you about fucking your own children? Did you fucking elect him? Put your voice and support behind him? Did you agree with his social economical politics? Fuck naw! Just some fat cunt that was born in the right position! Not my King, am I rite?"

The man nodded his head and continued to listen to me.

"So what do you do when most men would just give up and not fuck their own children? Stop fucking your own daughters? What are you? A fucking faggot? No, you tell him to go fuck himself!"

Craster hit the table with his fist, fire in his eyes"Yes, gods dammit!"

"You take your wives and fuck off to a place where he can not just order you around, that fat cunt. You build your own little stronghold, with hookers and blackjack. Without him and his fucking laws. Only your laws matter here! And then you get to fuck all the children you could ever want to fuck!"

"Yes! I am the man!" He shouted in passion and started to look at the women around us with want.

I decided to ignore that, not my problem, LoL. I have enough shit I have to deal with.

Still, I continued. "Also..." I came closer to him, whispering now. "That part about you giving your inbred spawn to the white walkers? Letting them turn that genetically damaged spawn into their own kind?" I gave him a few more pats on his back, making an excelent gesture with my hand. "A work of pure genius! Destroying them from within, could not have done that better myself."

"You are doing gods work my man. Saving the world, one fucked daughter at a time."

When my words register in the mans mind, that stops him cold. He turns at me and I see fresh tears glistering in his eyes.

Overwhelmed with emotions, he hiccups. Bites on his own large clenched fist and turns away from me. "I- I'm sorry. It's just that you are the first person ever to, you know? Appreciate all the hard work I put into it."

I put on my best understanding, compassionate face and pat his back, trying to calm the by his emotions overwhelmed drunk man.

"I mean, can you imagine it?" He continues. "Coming here, with just your wife and 2 young daughters? With nothing but a few backpacks on your back? To have to build up a house and survive here? All by your own? With lands so shit you could barely grow anything?"

"An- and, and then the fucking watch comes by!" He sniffed. "Fuckers have been sacrificing children to these fucking demons for years and so we make that scheme, you get me?"

"I get you."

"I mean it's not like I wanted to keep the boys anyway... Would have, you know? To share all my wives sooner or later..."

"Would not want that either, my man."

"And what do I get in return? Laughed at, ridiculed and looked at with contempt for all the hard years of work I put into it! Never thanked once in my entire shitty life!"

Some more tears were streaming down his face and I had to do my best to keep a straight face.

"You are the first, ever! To thank me for that, to appreciate all the hard work I put into it."

We toasted to that once more.

Back in high spirits he cam over and hugged his right arm over my shoulder. I really fucking hated it when people did that but remained calm.

"Listen, I have not done that ever... But you are like my brother now." He pointed to all the girls around us. "If you want, I'll let you fuck one of them. An offer I had never made before, but you? You are like the only exception I will ever make. Should feel honored!" He barked a laugh.

My face was still carefully neutral as I gave him a smile. "Nah, I'm... I'm good."

With that he shrugged, not bothered by it and stood up. I had a sinking suspicion of what was about to happen within these wooden walls when I saw him begin to untie his pants and made to quickly leave it.

I'd really rather sleep in the cold open than be witness to that.

When by the next sunrise we made to leave Craster's keep, my people and the watch were all throwing me incredulous expressions. All because they saw Craster hug me with open arms and wish me a successful journey, a large happy smile on his face.

I too wore a little smile that did not quite reach my eyes.

On my journey back I had a nice, warm and cozy place with a warm meal to look forward to. If all went like I hoped, then what more could a man even hope for?

And really, as the ice demons were coming anyway, killing him and his brood now or letting them die within a few years time did not change anything anyway.


	6. Chapter 5

12 Weeks Ago

I stood idly by, looking at my fingernails as it was a pain in the ass to keep those things nice and clean in that time period. Before me, my family was having a nice little reunion, right after I got Arya back from Kingslanding.

Catelyn was hugging little Arya for all that she was worth while my two little brothers stood by, mostly happy with the outcome as well. Waiting for her to tell them all sorts of stories about the other kingdom, no doubt.

It was as heartwarming as it was sweet, unfortunately I identified as an emotional diabetic and that shit made my stomach turn.

Man, pretending to give a fuck was a 24/7 job and was really putting a toll on me.

I heard footsteps behind me and found them to be some of the people I had sent to Kingslanding. One of them bowed shortly but respectfully, to which I rolled my eyes. "Our secondary objective was a success."

I hummed at that and made to follow them.

"Were you caught? Anybody going to suspect this?" I asked idly, thinking that either way that would play in my hand.

"No, sire. Their guild is all but forgotten and ignored these days, nobody cared to guard them. Though their absence is sure to be noticed soon, if it has not already been."

Humming a tune, I found that acceptable. Especially after I got to use some of my ideas, that would be the most likely case.

The guys led me to a cell in the dungeons of Winterfell. There before my eyes were huddled in a corner 3 men. All dressed in robes, but beaten and bloody.

Turning my head back, I gave the guy a: Dude, what the fuck, sort of look. "Why are they in such conditions? I wanted them ready and willing, not ready to die and willing to blow themselves and us up at the first chance they get."

The guy bowed his head apologetically. "They resisted us my lord, 3 of my men died from some potions they managed to sneak out, hidden on their bodies. We had to make them understand their position."

I wanted to argue, but really? Did I even care?

My eyes wandered once more over the alchemist of Kingslanding. I did not recognize any one of them, which may have meant they were just some lowly acolytes and helpers instead of true alchemists. Or maybe the show only ever bothered to show us just one old man of their guild and that was not the case.

For their sake, I sincerely hoped if was the second.

Still, a smile crossed my face. "Ohh, which wonders we are going to come up with together..."

The men within the cells shuddered for whatever reasons, I just took it as a sign that maybe they still had some self preservation instincts after all.

Maybe it would go smoother in the end.

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9 Weeks Ago

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"Tyrion, you better be fucking done with that black powder by now! And this time I really mean it!" I shouted from afar and walked into our private laboratory.

There, Tyrion but most and foremost Qubyrn and the Alchemists were standing around a table with the chemicals and mixtures on them. Tyrion, while a smart cookie was not quite a chemists, so he was mostly just learning from the people present, while Qubyrn, having gone through my notes was the main leading force behind the projects.

It was really not all that hard to convince the Alchemists to work for us. Lands and titles if they should prove successful, no vows of celibacy if that was a thing where they came from, and a king to know and make them feel their worth. I was everything Kingslanding was not.

Having the men that beat them up be beaten by them added to that as well, I was sure.

Add to that my revolutionary half baked knowledge gained from public education and the reading of a few wikipedia pages years ago and they were going over themselves to be a part of that.

Let me tell you something, trying to recreate gun powder in the middle ages? All of your own? Its a harsh task and I am by no means an expert in that field. That wikipedia article I read 5 years ago just did not do it.

Truth be told were it not for Luwins assistance and knowledge, I would not even have recreated cement. The glass I would be producing would be ugly chunks of barely transparent crystals and I would be spending my time trying to recreate any one of the technological marvels of my world.

Paper and the printing press were doable but the rest? Yeah, good luck trying to win a war with the world shattering power to mass produce books.

No, I just gave the right people the right ideas and pointed them in just the right decisions. Then their brilliant minds did the rest.

Even then, the first attempts of me and my homeboy Tyrion trying to recreate black powder were pathetic at worst and could serve as small firecrackers to sell to children at best. Those things could not hurt a child if it held the thing in its hand, so it would even be a safe thing to do.

No, we desperately lacked the alchemists know how with a tad of their spells.

After we did that? Something beautiful was born.

Before me was a new mixture. A green, plutonium looking powder. Created through a combination of my knowledge of black powder and the alchemists wild fire, with the addition of their spells that worked properly for the first time since a very long time.

Better than what the ancient Chinese used for fireworks, less stable than modern day gun powder but all that more powerful for that.

We did the tests, so I knew that.

"I like that green glow it has." I admitted, a few ideas immediately jumping to my mind. "It would be easy to mislead people with it, of the true nature of it. I am willing to bet once the alchemists of Kingslanding hear of it, they will stop at nothing trying to recreate that."

Even the name: Black Powder was misleading if you wanted to see it that way, though in reality I was just too lazy to change the name and was used to calling it that anyway.

I turned to the alchemists. "What are their chances of success?"

They laughed. "Without the formula? All but nonexistent. Trying to create pure wildfire in powder form will only result in them blowing themselves up." They chuckled in derision. "Or all of Kingslanding, if the gods are merciful."

My mind went over what I heard. How likely were the chances of Cersei demanding they do just that after he was done demonstrating his new weapons to the world? I found myself smiling, pretty darn high.

Well, one problem less for me. Whether Cersei will go insane and burn down the capital or Daenarys does it with her dragons, what did I care of it? Its not like I had any vested interest in that reeking shit stain of a city.

Still, I nodded the people there in good job and praised them for their ingenious minds. They did a fabulous job after all, they deserved it.

Mentioning for Tyrion to follow me, we made to leave for my private study.

10 guards were stationed at all times outside the laboratory. Them being stationed within the safest and most secure place, Winterfel allowed me to be sure nobody would neither kill nor steal their secrets from them and yet still I was paranoid enough to never leave them out of my or my mens eyes.

There I told him to look at the map of Westeros lying on the table. It was marked in an unusual way by me. Separated in three parts.

The first part were the stepping stone and the Martells, marked under a Blackfyre banners. The second one was everything between them and the Riverrun, a chaos of many different factions marked as largely irrelevant. Finally the North, Riverrun and the Vale as the last block.

"I have big plans for the future, Tyrion." I told him. "The Martels are too far away to matter and believe they will put one of their own blood on the throne."

A sly, twisted smile crossed my face. "How fun it would be to mess with that, heh."

Next I pointed to the middle of the map. "All that does not matter, not really. The Tyrells do not matter, the Lannisters do not matter and only a small portion of the Baratheons ever matter."

I did not even mention the iron borne, as irrelevant as they were.

Though the idea of supporting the pillaging pirates sprang to mind, if only for the sake of having them focus all of their good ol raping and pillaging on the south and keep them all nice and busy, preferably away from us.

Good shit, I should totally do that in the future.

Next I pointed at the Vale and Riverrun. "Only these two matter. Riverrun is on our side by association alone, it is only the Vale that is going to be really problematic..."

A few ideas crossed my mind.

How likely were the chances I could get Littlefinger on my side and take the easiest solution possible? Catelyn Stark mattered nothing to me and was it not a custom to marry of old ladies of the house after their husbands passed away?

Then again, trusting Littlefinger was something I mocked my father for...

Though would the man not get everything he ever wanted with just that? Could I tame him? His roots deep within his newly gained lordship over the Vale, we would be the only allies he could depend on, so it was not like he could gain all that much from blindsiding us.

Sucking as much money out of us as he could get away with? Sure, but not stabbing us in the back.

I shrugged internally, whatever. I would think on that when the time came.

"One problem though." I admitted. "The fucking Frays stand between us and the Riverrun truly uniting. I could just marry of Arya to one of them to gain their loyalty, but then you just have to stop and ask yourself the following: Why would I want to bend over for that schmuck Walder fucking Frey?"

I smiled. "No, I think I will make a spectacle out of erasing their brood from the Kingdoms. They have been a nasty splinter in the sides of the North for far too long and will it not send a nice and clear message to the rest of the world?"

It was here that I took my first look at Tyrion. The dwarf was sighing heavily and rubbing his tired, weary eyes. "Robb... Are you playing up your inner Tywin Lannister again? You know I don't like that man, come on..."

I pouted ad flipped him off. "Fuck off, he is a badass and you know it."

"Still did not prevent us from making a mockery out of him!"

Laughing, I shrugged it off easily. "Was fun, was it not?" Still, I got back into my totally serious scheming mastermind politician mode. "But yeah, uniting three Kingoms will be fucking dope."

"Not only will those two Kingdoms be a perfect defense standing between us and the rest of Westeros, but I could also gain lots of loyalty and good will by aiding them against the Lannisters attacks. Tyrells possibly as well, though it is unlikely they would set their sights anywhere but Kingslanding. The fucking Boltons, Karstarks and Umbers will deal with the rest, as far away from me as possible. Bloodthirsty fucks would even thank that a honor I'd bet!"

"As I obviously have little to no interest in the south otherwise, a defensive war is far better for us to fight anyway. Add to that all that export of crops and other of our new riches to them while the war tears the lands south of us apart and we are settled for life."

I pointed at the map and that nice, juicy huge pile of land across the map, painted blue in our colors. "I mean just look at that shit. With that we have well over half of whole Westeros under our control. I mean the north alone is more than a third but with those two Kingdoms? With an enemy we all may see as the ultimate evil to unite us on all sides? If that is not the beginning of something beautiful, then I don't know either."

"But yeah, next step: making away with the Freys. I am really just waiting for any reason they could give me to warrant such a response. If not, then I am going to demand something outrageous of them and act as a slighted Lording looking out for revenge for my wounded pride, to have some justification for my actions." I admitted easily.

Would it not be great irony if that were the case?

"Then two Kingdoms may finally unite. I am going away real soon, have to do a couple of things behind the wall and if things are going as planned, we will fuck over the south even more than we already have."

"Till then I think I will leave you in power. Better you than my mother or Rickon. So you'll deal with any issues that may come up."

He looked uneasy. "I am honored, truly, but have you not already put a great burden on me?"

"Eh, you'll manage. What, did you think I keep you around here for your stunning looks or from the good of my heart?" I mocked him in jest. "And anyway, you will have Qubyrn, Luwin and the rest helping you out if needed. You'll just have to keep things in motion while I am gone, deal with all that petty shit that may come up somewhere." I dismissed his concerns and with that gout all out that I wanted to tell him.

Little shit was one of the few people I told about some of my plans. Should feel honored.

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2 Weeks Ago

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.

Sitting within the private chambers within the Nights Watches stronghold, I had to really as myself why I was even bothering with all that shit.

So much to do and so many obstacles, so many people out to end me and takes everything mine for themselves.

Then I remembered that there was no internet in this world, the entertainment industry was not a thing. Even their books were shitty historical documents of questionable accuracy.

All my options were either spend the rest of my days scratching my itch in a self indulging male hedonistic powerfantasy, or fight and fight, and fight to hopefully survive more than a few years in that fewer dream of a world.

I liked living, thank you very much and the promise of getting decades worth of that same hedonistic powerfantasy after my beating of the evil demon monster things was another great incentive for my purely selfish little mind.

Fucking off to Sothyros or the summer islands was always an option. Though I wanted to leave that for when all hope was lost and I tried everything I could. Until then I planned to have as much enjoyment out of this whole debacle as possible.

'Right, that's why I was even bothering.' I thought perhaps for the thousands time during my stay here.

"You have seen the undead?" I asked, cutting all the bullshit and getting straight to the point.

I had seen Jon, his hand was badly burned and he had his nice shiny valyrian sword on his side. Mine was totally bigger and all around better, just as a side note.

So it was not a stretch to think that just as in canon, the nights watch brought some dead man into their fort and had some people witness them come back to life.

Now naturally for the nights king to do such a move would be stupid that would result in nothing but getting the peoples attention. So I always liked to think that it was a play by Bloodraven to get the men attention where it needed to be. Could even just be a corpse he himself animated through some necromantic magics and not one of the nights kings.

As such, I could safely assume that despite all my changes to the story that would still happen and make my job a whole lot easier.

"Yes." The lord commander admitted. "You would be willing to believe our word on this?" He asked me, barely able to believe it himself.

I could not remember whether the watch had sent ravens out because of that, so much things were always on my mind, or just thought nobody would believe them to begin with so they did not bother to.

I nodded my head. "Yeah, but its only me right now. We'd have to show the watch and the lords following me to make them believe that, sure, but me? Yeah, I know of it, this why I am here."

"Listen, one of the gifts I brought here was one of my newly acquired alchemists. He will continue to stay here, a couple of assistants and guards always by his side. I will have my people deliver all the needed chemicals here and have him create enough wildfire to arm the whole wall through and through. He'll have a few years time to do that."

His eyes widened at that. "Wildfire? Are you sure about that?"

Shrugging his concerns away, I continued. "Yeah, fire is just about the best way to combat those things. Besides dragons. The undead armies, I mean, and with wildfires properties of hopefully not just going out in the mere presence of the fucking ice demons, well, who knows? Maybe it will be useful there as well."

"Armies? Are you saying there is a chance of the others returning?" The man asked fearfully.

"Hell yeah. Anyhow, I was thinking about storing that shit on your walls, all the way on top. So if some of your men mishandle it, well, you will have a few men less and the wall a few meter shorter, not that it will even matter at that point. Then when the time comes and the armies are gathered below the wall, just throw all that shit down and light them all on fire."

"Maybe even store that stuff in the forests beyond the wall, hide it in trees or whatever. Let it spread far and wide, cook them dead and hopefully get a few Others as well." I mused to myself.

"But yeah, on to other issues. You have manned 3 out of the how many castles along the wall at most, right?"

I saw his brief nod and continued even as he wanted to tell me something. "Perfect, I'll have some people rebuild them and man them in the coming months."

He hissed a breath of air through his teeth, looking at me offended. "Those are the castles of the watch and ours only."

I dismissed him once more with a hand wave. "Yeah? Well, if no undead armies show up within the next few years, I will have no reason for them to stay there, won't I? Then you'll just get a few nice and repaired castles out of it, all back under your control. Good deal if you ask me! Or are you afraid the lords would chose to stay here and freeze their asses of rather than go home?" I mocked him.

He grumbled under his breath but nodded after a few minutes of careful consideration.

"If the talks with Stanis are as successful as I hope they will be? Then we will get lots of obsidian on top of that. Make lots of arrows out of that shit and snipe the slavering ice demons from afar. Quickscope those fuckers into oblivion. Obsidian kills them dead, if you were wondering what I am talking about. So does Valyrian steel, actually. So have your men practice with bows rather than swords, cutting the undead is not even half as effective as you would imagine it to be and conventional weapons should do little against the demons."

I leaned forward and with a smirk allowed him on one more of my plans. "Listen, I also have these juicy weapons coming up as well. Called flamethrowers, those things will spray flames right where you need them to. Still in the development phase, I think my guys will have a couple of them ready by the time I come back and if not, I am going to smack a bitch. A better weapon for this war you could really not wish for. A preferred weapon of choice for me, if I ever have to get my pale ass on the battlefield, I'll tell you that."

"Are you saying you have found a way to kill the others?" The man asked numbly.

I rolled my eyes but nodded my head, did he not hear me talk?

"Preparing for the worst case possible, I can see the need in that." He allowed himself. "Thought while that is all well and good, what are your intentions with the people behind the walls?"

'How do I put that delicately?' I wondered briefly. "Depends on it."

"On what?"

"Would you like to see the armies of the undead be filled with one more million undead bodies out to get you all?"

He sat back in his chair and shook his head. "I was afraid of that... You want to let those savages through our gates." He told me with an accusation.

"Oh?" I asked him with a smile. "You are braver than I though, adding another million of able bodies to the ranks of our enemies? How many men do you have, a coupe thousands? Let's do the math: They bring back the dead, how many dead are there, buried or rotting all around till the lands of always winter, for over a thousand years? Tens of millions? I am sure each one of you can handle a hundred thousand undead zombies each, those brave heroes. GG EZ." I mocked him once more.

"I was told you would go to negotiate with the king beyond the wall to bring an end to this madness, not this." Mormont was still unrelenting and honestly, getting far too angry for my tastes.

"Those are your irrational emotions speaking and you still have not answered me my question, You got a better solution? I am all ears!"

"Those are uncivilized savages, murders and rapists boy! You would have me allow you to ruin the North?" He bursts out in anger, standing up and coming closer to me, with a hand already on his weapon. "You forget that these are lands I call my home as well. You did not spend your life battling them, sitting in your warm castle. Did not lose your children and brothers to those savages, did not see the common folk lives ruined because of them, their empty eyes with their families raped and murdered. You. Know. Nothing!"

In the face of an enraged man willing to kill me for what he honestly believe in, all I did was sit and smile. I had faced bigger men, with loyal men at their back threaten and question me at my every turn and honestly, giving a fuck was always a job I failed fabulously at.

So with his face only a meter away from mine, I laughed.

Seeing the man he just threatened and implied killing on the spot do this must have unnerved him somewhat, as he stopped in his rage and took a few steps back.

"You would have so little faith in me? Your King? I should feel offended..." I told him easily, wiping a tear of joy out of my left eye. Gods, I needed that one, thanks buddy.

"... The nights watch has no kings." He instead replied, looking me up from a safe distance.

"Hmm, still a Northerner at heart though... Anyhow, you think I want those bunch of savages running around in my fucking lands? Listen, I have a huge influx of people from the south. Good idea at first, great even. So many new farmlands, so much manpower. I could probably get away with calling in an army 60 thousands large at a moments notice easily and its still ongoing! But then you get to the execution part..."

I shook my head. "You have any idea how big of a headache that already is? I get bombarded with petty shit all day, some fucking guy stealing another guys shitty chicken, that slighted twat murdering and raping the firsts whole family." I threw my hands in the air, done with the peoples shit by that point. "Turned out it was some fucking kid that did it to feed his family after all... Shit like that is the norm nowadays. Don't even get me started when fucking religion gets thrown in the mix."

Fucking faith of the seven, I swear. The high sparrow better move his old wrinkly ass to Kingslanding soon and take his bunch of followers with him...

"I'll have those barbarians stay here and we'll just fucking kill each other within months, ice zombies or not, you get me?"

I saw him give me a tense, reluctant nod, so I continued.

"Now how about you sit your old ass down and we actually discuss what my real plans are, eh?"

With that I went on to explaining my schemes, thinking to myself that I did a good job. Diplomacy was overrated anyway...

Though thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should not overstay my welcome within the nights watch for too long...

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NOW

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Having almost reached the rendezvous point, I was trying my hardest not to freeze in what was surely the equivalent of northern Alaska.

All the while I was keeping my eyes on a notable man striding confidently ahead of me.

Alister Thorne, the greatest threat and thorn in my sides for what was to come. A total cunt, a competent cunt at that, which made him all that more dangerous. Supported and respected by many of his brothers, which almost made him be the next commander of the Nights Watch.

Also a total Targaryen loyalist at heart, wasting his life away in that shitty order only for his complete loyalty to them during the last war.

A nice idea came to my mind.

"Ey Jon!" I turned my head to the stoic shit walking not too far from me, Tarly by his side, together with Bran on his Hodormobil and the Reeds. The bunch was looking like they were having fun. "Jon, pshh! Dude, come here!"

Annoyed, the sulking bastard came over. "What?"

"Ey mate, you did not still turn out to be a secret Targaryen or something?"

He looked ahead of us, to where Benjen Stark was leading us all. "No..."

"Shit!" Fuck, there goes my plan!

Well, whatever, fuck that guy. I'll just have Thorne killed in the future, no problemo!

Man, what I would not give for a guy like Bron or one of the Clegane brothers working under me... Though Bron is a Varys spy, so he can get fucked, and the chances of the Hound wandering north are slim after all my changes made, so I can get fucked as well. Let's not even start on the Mountain...

With that out of my mind, I continued with the task before and went with my heavy gloves to my try and get the frost from my eyelashes. Those fucking things were frozen solid!

Looking just ahead, I saw out destination already close ahead. Finally!

"Just like you thought..." I heard come from my right. Ah right, Jon was still following me. "I am Brandon Starks son after all..."

Alarm bells began ringing in my head and I almost stopped in my steps. Wetting my lips, I decided to be as delicate as possible. "You ahm... still took your vows already though, right?"

His sulking increased in its intensity and his eyes drop to the ground. "Yes..."

Ok, ok, ok, calm down, be subtle about it.

"Ha!" I laughed. "Get fucked, I'll still get to be the King then, biatch!"

Fuck!

Still worth it though. Mom would be proud.

Man, life just keeps on giving and giving. It was great!

Looking at him, he gave me a look only a kicked puppy could pull of and went back to his fat twinkle of a friend. What a pair, eh?

But man, now that I remembered he even existed that also meant I could not sneak Tarly out of here. I could put one more good head to good use back at home...

You'd think there would be a few smart sons and daughters of the lords somewhere in the north, right? Fucking nope!

Few far in between even came close to it.

Whatever, he can get fucked as well, they all can.

I could barely wait for us to reach that fucking place and do a break. My feet were killing me!

Looking to the creature walking by my side, there was my own direwolf. One I easily learned to skinchange into, Gray Wind.

He was larger than a normal wolf but not large enough for me to ride him like a horse. Not yet.

I sighed and scratched him behind his ears, going with my mind to how awesome of an image that would be. "Soon..."

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.

As we came closer to the fist of the first men, we could already see the fires of men burning from afar.

Even closer we got to see massive camps erected atop but also all around it, filled with wildlings. Men and women alike standing with spears and bows outside their camps, a great deal of them.

Naturally my men and the watch were all unnerved by it, not wanting to come closer to the enemy than they had to.

I could only roll my eyes, I knew what those savages wanted. That being to go over the safe wall and survive the undead armies.

Killing us here would only get them war on all sides and the north as their bitter enemies. Mance may be a player out for his own interests and gains, but he was no Cersei and would not act so pathetically shortsighted.

All his ambitions could also be reduced to us allowing his people a chance for survival, which was among the better ones in this world. Did not make him harmless, the opposite really. Just gave me a basic understanding of what to expect.

So despite my men reluctance, I came forward, willing to go into their camp to talk to Mance. Wanting nothing more than to get it over with as quickly as possible, despite our initial agreement stating we would meet in neutral grounds.

Mormont, Jon and a few of the more courageous Lords decided they did not want their King to be left so defenseless, claiming that someone of my position not being followed into an enemies camp would be a sign of weakness their pride could never allow.

Not them, not the North.

So with a gathering of some 13 men, we were lead through the camps of our enemies into a large and spacious tent standing atop the hill and in the middle of it all.

The wildlings kept throwing us looks, mothers urging their children to go away from us like any northerner mother would from wildlings.

No doubt they had their own horror stories they told their children about us, I mused.

'Eat your mushrooms or the big bad nights watch will come to get you!' I chuckled.

Soon enough we were all led through the tents opening, a big pile of sown together animal hides and into Mances and his most trusted place. Men mostly, only Mances own spearwives and another blond woman, who I could only assume be Val from the books, were there.

As soon as I let my eyes wander over the people gathered there, I pretended to widen my eyes in surprise when I saw and heard Mance play a lute.

I smile slyly. "Mance, you old dog!" I exclaim jovially. "Did not know the king beyond the wall makes a habit out of sneaking into kings castles to play a bard! A lover of old tales and legends, I see..."

If his intention was to confuse and throw a curve ball at us, with Thromund standing all big and menacingly in the middle of the room, easily to confuse for the actual leader of these people, then he was shit out of luck.

In another lifetime Jon Snow would do just that, but then again, he did not posses a whole fuckton of meta knowledge gathered from tons of very dedicated fans on a variety of forums.

He looked up in surprise, while his people looked at one another. "... You remember me, young Stark?"

I smirked. "Nothing escapes my eyes, though you would not know it. Fucking off back home before the real fun started in the north and only paying attention to my late father when you were there. Why, I should feel insulted!"

Thormund the bear fucker, or whatever he liked to call himself barked a laugh. "I like that one! Got a mouth on him, heh."

Mance too smiled a little. "The blood of the first men is strong in you, I see..."

Internally I smirked. Let him come to his own conclusions, only makes it better for me.

Humming, I whistled for my direwolf to come close and pet his head. The beast managing to look menacingly without needing to bar its fangs.

Even the other wildlings gave me a respectful nod at that gesture and the beast by my side. Wargs being common thing in their culture, a connection our people share among themselves.

The man still made to gesture for us to sit on the pelts lying on the ground, so that we may begin.

With my people behind me, lords of the north, this was one of the really few occasions where I could not really cut through the bs and tell the people what I really thought.

I was out here to negotiate first and foremost, as their leader it was my duty to protect my lands from barbaric invaders, like the peoples in which camps I happily walked into.

Could not straight up start with talks about their million refugees coming to my lands, my own men would drop me faster than a grayscale victim and gut me like a pig.

Life just keeps on giving and giving...

Fuck, did not really think that far ahead, I admitted to myself. What to do with the wildlings? Sure, how to get there? Nah... How was I to resolve that shit show of a situation?

My gut dropped and my heart sank. Oh no, could it be? Did I actually have to use those foreign to me concepts called: Planning and Diplomacy?

Was my luck finally coming to a pathetic end? Or could this world handle another one such miracle?


	7. Chapter 5,5 Marriage

Omake:

Me, my homeboy Tyrion and by best boy Qyburn were sitting in my office. Doing my favorite Gendo Ikari impression, I was sitting behind the desk, arms folded before my face with the two guys giving me their full attention.

The serious atmosphere was almost broken when I had to stifle a giggle, thinking of an appropriate name for us: Two and a half men.

Regardless! The show had to go on...

"Gentlemen, I have gathered our most noble and prestigious order of the Illuminatily here today for a matter that greatly concerns me..."

"Are we really?" Qyburn could not help but say out loudly. "Oh goody..."

I sighed, trying to keep a smile of my face. A wistful smile still managing to cross my handsome Stark mug.

'Oh Qyburn, if only you had been born a woman... Our children would have been beautiful...'

But oh well, we could not have all our dreams come true...

"Who am I?" I pointed at Tyrion and went full meme mode. "Say mah name!"

The dwarf rolled his eyes. "Robb Stark."

"You're god damn right... I am the lord Stark, a big fucking name, if I am allowed to toot my own horn here for a moment. Known in all lands far and wide, from behind the wall till the deserts of the Martells, as far as Braavos, with young maidens dreaming of and wishing they could loose their maidenhood's to me as far as Quarth!" I said, waving my hand before me, painting that truthful and realistic picture for my two only friends in the world.

"Known to everyone from the Kings to the little peasants of the world as a true genius, an entrepreneur, a true god among men, leading humanity into our new age of greatness!" I continued with facts and nothing but pure cold, hard facts.

"Who says that about you?" Tyrion could not help but let his jealous shitty little dwarf mouth run. He turned to Qyburn. "I mean really, who in their right minds says that about him?"

I slapped the table. "Fuck you Tyrion. Unlike you, I get out and actually ask the people what they think about me! Maybe if you were not such a shut in neet, you'd too hear all the legends about me! Hmm!" I turned away from him.

Shit like that is why Qyburn is best boy and not you!

Anyhow, I continued spinning my problem with a grand voice for them. "So we have already established who I am. I do not know if you have gotten wind of it, but ever since my fathers death, my mother and my lords have all been nagging me to take a wife and put some children into them, standard procedure for a new lord, really." I shrugged, not thinking much of it.

"So like a good Lord, I did just that. Thought I may use that chance to marry some northern beauty, a Scandinavian blond with lots of tits and ass to take my seed, I am not picky..." I nodded to myself, thinking it only fair. "Sent a few letters to all my lords, all to endear myself to the North by taking a bride of my own people. Thought I would get bombarded with offers as soon as anyone and their grandmother heard of the great wolf of the North looking for a virgin bride, you get me?"

I continued without looking at them for the answer, as I was not done yet. "What do I get in return? No answers for months and then few letters, politely telling me to go fuck myself, using shitty excuses and not giving me my blond bombshell of a bride!"

"Me! Fucking me of all people!" I threw my hands in the air. "Lord of the North, a rich as fuck boi, known as an inventor that brought riches to my people! Even the fucking peasants love me! My shitty fucking vassals should be running and slitting each others throats for that honor!" I stopped and pointed at my face. "I mean just look at that shit! Look at dem cheekbones, at that valyrian steel jawline! At that perfectly trimmed beard! Fucking northern perfection!"

With that I finally turned to my two friends and spread my arms wide. "So I ask you this my friends: What the fuck?"

I saw Tyrion ad Qyburn exchange looks.

Oh oh, did they know something I in my infinite wisdom did not?

"Oh shit, fuck, somebody kill me please..." Tyrion began his answer. "Alright, how to put it... Let's imagine that scenario for a moment, alright?"

I nodded my head, I could do that and made for him to continue.

He wet his lips. "So a possible bride hears of you looking a bride, possibly smitten with the picture her pure, innocent little mind may have of you from some tales she may have picked up somewhere, right? What is the first thing she does?"

I blinked and tilted my head. "Run to me to take my seed?"

The guy blinked and made a painful face. He whispered under his breath. "Shit, fuck, why could some fucking wildlings not have killed me, why did it have to be this fucking guy..."

Qyburn pat him on his shoulder, understanding written on his face.

Et tu, Qyburn?

Tyrion took a deep breath. "No, she may speak with her friends first. Her mother most likely second and finally the man that would actually get to decide it all: her Lord father."

I nodded my head, seemed plausible. Made a hand gesture for him to get to the point already.

"So then what does that theoretical Lord father tell her about you? Please keep in mind: That would be a person that has actually met you or at least has had the chance to... observe you from afar, as you are in your most natural habitat..."

Tilting my head once more, my big round gray eyes blinking innocently, I stated the obvious. "For her to run to me to take my seed?"

"No you goddamn dimwit!" He exploded all of a sudden. "He'll tell her that you are a cunt!"

I jerked back as if slapped. How bloody dare he? I was courtesy and charisma made manifest itself!

Put here by the gods themselves on this god forsaken world!

He put his hands on the table and leaned forward, standing on his chair to be at eye level with me. "Robb, lets face it and I am not being funny, I mean no disrespect; but you are a cunt. You are a cunt now and I can only imagine that you have always secretly been a cunt. And the only thing that is going to change in the future is that you are going to become an even bigger cunt."

He continued. "So when a woman hears of you looking for a wife, she is going to keep that in mind and ask herself: What if the only thing that is ever going to change is that he is going to have some more cunt kids, and then she really starts to question herself if she really wants to have those cunt fucking kids pop out of her. To make the world a shittier place, one cunt fucking kid at a time."

I slapped the table hard and pointed my finger straight at him. "You leave my future cunt fucking kids out of it, what have they done to you? You retract that bit about my future cunt fucking kids!"

He put his arms up in surrender. "I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids."

"Insulting my future cunt fucking kids. That's going overboard mate!"

Little did Tyrion know that I was actually meming him the whole time! Quoting one of the greatest movies ever put to film.

Ohh man, how I missed the internet... Thought if I were to think on that any longer, I'd rather neck myself than stay in this shitty fucking world...

Still, I crossed my arms and sulked. "Man, that means I do not get my Scandinavian bombshell of a bride?" I asked them and got two head shakes. "Shit sucks..."

"My friend." Tyrion began anew. "Let me tell you about that special breed of women. Their standards are low and their readiness for all the kinky shit your dirty, fucked up mind no doubt hides, very high. Those wonderful creatures called prostitutes..."

I grimaced.

Whores during the middle ages?

I liked my genitalia where they were, not rotting of in a few short yet painful years in the future.

Whatever, we were having an apocalypse in the short future anyway. What did I need some more brats to care for, marriage is overrated anyway.

Why could I not have been put on some hentai world with elf beauties out for my seed?

But noo! I had to fight some shitty ice elf looking demons.

This world sucks.


End file.
